Alétheia

ἀλήθεια, ας, ἡ (the state of not being hidden)

Record 002- Independence Day

Hi,

Today is the 55th independence day of the Philippines. People online kept on posting things about today’s event while I was just at home binge watching Keeping Up with the Kardashians in the morning and Coffee Prince in the afternoon. There’s nothing significant on this day for me and I know I should really be proud or anything but I’m just a small girl trying to figure out her life and celebrating Independence Day isn’t something significant for me.

In order to gradually detoxicate my life from social media, I deactivated my Facebook for a while. It’s just Instagram and twitter that remained alive. So far, all I see are celebrities and picturesque sceneries online. It’s less toxic than people posting several things online as most of the persons I follow in Instagram are not my real life friends. I told myself I was suppose to work today but I only started working at around 5 in the afternoon. I know it’s procrastination but I really felt down. My boyfriend kept on sending me things online and asking for my opinion and stuff and I really don’t feel like talking or helping him out with anything. I’m really frustrated with myself. He knows what I’m going through but he kept on asking what’s wrong and I had enough explaining to him when he can’t even understand. There was a time I asked him what does he think of me and my problems and he said he thinks I was improving. For someone who doesn’t know the entire story, it’s actually a good thing but the words he chose are the wrong words because none of the events happening in life shows any sign of improvement. I kept messing up at work. I failed to deliver results. I suck at everything. I kept hitting our car, spending too much on stress etc. I was quite hopeful he must’ve seen something to say that but he was like- Uhhh… I don’t know. I just think you’re improving. To make things short, he doesn’t really know what I’m going through. He never understood and his words are hollow. And it made me feel even worse. Today he kept asking what wrong? For heaven’s sake. HE KNOWS WHAT’S WRONG. HE JUST DOESN’T LISTEN.

As I have mentioned yesterday, I hit out car and I need to have it fixed. I’m so sorry to compare but my other guy friend knows what to do. He offered to help me search for the right people and the right place to have it repaired. He was willing to help out whereas my boyfriend was– So, what now? It’s really frustrating. SERIOUSLY!!!! He’s a spoiled little brat who always gets his way around everything and doesn’t give a fuck of what I’m going through. He doesn’t even know how to help me. And I hate it. Anyway, I was able to get estimates on how much I’m supposed to spend on the repair. More or less, it’s gonna be around 5,000 pesos. That’s really too much for me and I don’t have enough money so I think I have to borrow from other people.

Anyway, I was working just a while ago when I saw an email from my dad. I felt really guilty. I wasn’t able to text or call him so he made an effort to send me an email. It’s been quite a while since I was able to talk to him and he was asking about work. A month ago, I flew to where he was working to see him. He completely understands where I’m coming from but I failed to constantly communicate with him as I was really too busy with work. Of course, I responded as soon as I saw the email. I just felt really bad.

Still Miserable,

Mara

Record 001- Trial Run

Hi,

Today I have decided to start recording my miseries again. I know I’m being a pessimist with this but I don’t have any outlet at all and I feel like I’m breaking down.

Do you know the feeling when there’s just so much swelling deep inside your chest but you can’t let it all out? I feel like I’m about to burst but I can’t. I need an outlet and I’m guessing that writing it down would somehow make me feel better.

I called this trial run because I don’t even know if I can continue doing this, maybe because I’m busy, or maybe because I just don’t feel like doing it. A part of this exercise is embracing myself. Who I really am. Social media destroyed me and I don’t even know who I want to be. For so long, I’ve been really indecisive and mainly because whatever I see online, I try to imitate it or worse, I want it even though I know I can’t have it. I have started doubting myself, my physical appearance. I wanna be like those in the magazine and no matter how much they’re photoshopped, I have to admit I still wanna be like them. I wanna be whatever is posted online. A perfect job, a perfect family, a perfect boyfriend, a perfect life.

But so far, what I got is far from perfect. I have a job. And I suck at it. I have a family, well I wouldn’t say they’re perfect and we have our issues of course. I have a boyfriend whom I can’t really rely onto and a life that is totally miserable.

I graduated as a Marketing student from what I think is a great school. It’s not the best, but it’s well known and the president and vice president of the country graduated from that school so it’s most likely one of the top I guess. But you know how it works around here. If you don’t belong in the top 4 schools, you’re pretty much like the rest. So yeah, I guess you can say I’m pretty much like the rest. But of course, there’s always an exception. If you’re rich and you’re parents can help you get through life, then you’re always good to go.

I graduated last 2014 and it’s been almost 3 years since then. I used to have a great job where I think I’m good at and people appreciate me there. I was in sales and I was doing good, not great but good. But then I left. Maybe because I was worn out. maybe because I was too proud of myself but I kept on telling myself and everyone that I wanted something new. I want to grow and being in sales won’t get me where I want to be. But that’s even the bigger question. I don’t know where I want to be. I just want to be rich. That’s all. Well of course, having a job you love comes with all of this.

And so I transferred to this new job where I thought will help me grow better. And I genuinely believe they will really help me but it’s just that, I know I don’t belong. It’s a start-up company where everyone values the culture. They are really sensitive with the people they bring in and I was quite lucky to pass the interview. However, when it comes to the real deal, I’m messing up big time. Maybe I can go over it some other time in this online diary but for now, all I can say is I feel like I’m not worth anything anymore. I don’t believe in myself anymore and writing this diary in English is really hard for me whereas before, I know I can fluently speak and write in English. I doubted my existence and I feel like I’m the worst person there is and no one really understands me. To top it all off, I JUST FUCKING HIT OUR CAR! Yep, you read it right. I just hit our car and the front bumper fell off, a few weeks ago, I hit the back bumper as well and huge dents are really visible and I DON’T HAVE THE MONEY TO PAY FOR THE REPAIR! And I can’t let my dad find out about this.

I AM FREAKING OUT! I don’t know what to do. I have to get it fixed in two weeks before he arrives or I will forever be banned of driving unless I am the one who bought the car in any case is far from impossible because I don’t even have the money to have it repaired. My mom of course cannot help me and she was MAD AF.

I don’t know what to do but today, that’s my dilemma and I don’t even know if I’ll be able to sleep well tonight. And of course, there’s always the thought of work and how I failed to deliver the results they’re asking of me and that I have to work during the weekend in which I haven’t started anything yet and it’s already Sunday night. It’s a good thing though it’s a long weekend and so I still have Monday tomorrow being a holiday to help me catch up with my work load. Let’s hope I don’t procrastinate.

 

still miserable,

Mara

Chapters of Anxiety – Chapter 1

Chapter 1.

Fear. Rejection. Cowardice.

It was 8 in the morning. It was too early for my call time at 10. But I don’t want to be late. I was used to going to work early so this is not a big deal.

I went to Starbucks, ordered my usual morning drink, a grande English Breakfast Tea mixed with two cups of honey and then a corned beef pandesal. My tummy was rumbling so I know this was a sign not to eat anything heavy. This was the nervousness talking in the pit of my stomach and I can hear it loud and clear. I took out my book to kill some time. I was reading Summit Media’s- “Letters to My Children”. It’s a collection of letters from famous parents. I felt like this was the perfect book for my first day in my new world. It’s like bringing along the words of wisdom of my folks but only this time, 35 more parents are with me. I know by reading this book, I can get through the day with their words of encouragement.

As I ready through the lines, I can’t seem to concentrate. Waves of thoughts are crashing through my trying to focus brain.

Trying something new for the first time. Breaking away from your natural habits, everyday routines. Getting off your comfort zone. It all feels so surreal in a really really scary way. I just want to run back home. Cover my self beneath the sheets and never see the sun shine again. It feels really scary. I couldn’t sleep. I couldn’t breathe. I feel like I’m choking and a huge lump got stuck on my throat. I cannot eat. I cannot think. It’s like I’m not me anymore. Emotions are bursting everywhere. I tried to read a book but even the most shallow lines made me tear up. I feel like my stomach is in circles and I’d just visit the toilet every now and then. I feel like throwing up. My body is betraying me from all these hulla baloo going on around.

My corned beef pandesal was cold. Maya birds started stealing my breakfast but even that entertaining scene doesn’t amuse me. I was too bothered. Too bothered with the anxiousness running all over me. I was teary eyed. I wanted to cry but I don’t even know if crying would help me ease out the anxiety. I wanted to call someone. Anyone. Anyone that can help me feel better but I doubt anyone can make me feel so. People would just tell me, Kaya mo yan, ikaw pa. They have too much faith in me. But I don’t have in myself. My body is really betraying my old self assured personality.

“I CANNOT DO THIS!” My mind was shouting and it was deafening but of course, no one can hear my thoughts.

Maybe this is what it feels like leaving your comfort zone. For the past years, I have been pretty complacent where I was not minding how I was doing or where I’m heading. There was no pressure anymore. No pressure in a sense because I already know what I am doing and whatever they ask of me, I know I can deliver. Then one day, it hit me.

I need something else. I need something more. As if the pressure where I was at that moment wasn’t enough. I was like, I needed something to make me fear again. To make me bring back my A-game. I need to challenge myself even more. Beyond what I was doing at the moment. And then I decided to leave.

It was a very slow, long and difficult departure. I was literally like breaking up with a lover, a boyfriend, a partner. The separation involved tears, acceptance and moving on. This is not an exaggeration. This is the real thing. I just realised it by then how valuable the job was to me. The job-meaning my family, the people I work with. My boss, my colleagues, my mentors, my friends. Everyone. They were my safe haven. They are the love-hate relationship that you usually call when you hated them but at the same time, they are the home you go back to.

I can still remember the separation like yesterday. I was sending endorsement emails, setting up endorsement meetings and those people that were really close to me were still in denial. I was in denial. But I know I needed to do this. I need to make this move or else, I won’t get the chance again. It’s now or never.

 

And so I packed up, and left.

 

And I was devastated. I found myself, looking back. Wanting to go back. Wanting to run back home. Wanting to not push through the day. Wanting to take back my resignation and just return to how everything was used to be.

I missed home. I missed my family. I missed being complacent. I miss the freedom. I miss my old job.

 

next chapter…

Chapter 2. Expectations. Reality. Pressure.

Finding the Perfect Watch 

I just have to share my enthusiasm when I got the watch I have been dreaming about.❤❤❤

You see, I’ve been a watch person ever since I was in highschool and I had this bad habit of getting a new one whenever the battery runs out. I know this is not really the right thing to do but my ninongs and ninangs were always fond of giving me watches that I never worry of running out of them. There was this time on my 18th birthday that I probably got 7 and so I had plenty to choose from. 

Just when I graduated in college that I later realized how wrong was it for me to develop that bad habit of just getting rid of watches whenever the battery dies and so I tried to search for the remaining ones and had the batts change. (New me, new life but the truth is, ang mahal bumili ng bago now that I’m spending for myself )  I also did this because all my stocks eventually ran out and I had nothing to use. When I successfully revived the remaining 4 that I saved, I realized I needed one formal watch that I can use for special events and that’s when the quest for the perfect watch started.

I saw the Anne Klein watch on a website called www.watchportal.com.ph and immediately fell in love with it. Here’s a screencap of the site. I’m not really comfortable buying online so I personally went to the Anne Klein store in Greenbelt 5 to check the item. I wasn’t quite decided then as it was quite expensive so I waited for a while and searched for more.

However, I could not find anything as perfect as the first one I saw and ended up looking for the exact same style from various brands. Of course there are plenty of good ones but I just can’t afford them. I came across options such as Timex, Casio, Tomato and even closely resorted to buying that Geneva watch at Lazada. It was a good thing I didn’t because my sister bought 3 for 380 Pesos I think and although the design was okay, the material where it’s made of is really not okay for me. It’s too lightweight and the noisy like the metal sounds like a tin can being hit by another tin can. (No offense to Lazada, they got the best stuff except for that Geneva watch. We’re avid buyers of Lazada btw )

I then decided to save for this Anne Klein watch which took me 5 months to complete the amount. When I went back to the store, it was out of stock already and so I have to succumb with loneliness knowing I can’t buy it yet. 

Then just last week when I visited again, one stock came in and I didn’t thought twice and bought it immediately. 

The best thing about this is that it’s not too much. Not too gold, not too heavy, not too sparkly and not too formal. I mean, you know what I’m saying? It’s just right.

It’s perfect for its price. There are a lot of watches out there like Fossil, Citizen, Michael Kors, Daniel Wellington etc… but it’s just that I really fell in love with this one.

And so, the watch and I lived happily ever after. (Actuality just in time for an event I have to attend this Saturday) AND I AM SOOOO HAPPY!!!! 😍😍😍💖💖💖

(This post is not sponsored nor advertised. I’m just really happy and wanted to share my happiness in writing.) 

The Story of an Almost Survivor

“I didn’t want to wake up. I was having a much better time asleep. And that’s really sad. It was almost like a reverse nightmare, like when you wake up from a nightmare you’re so relieved. I woke up into a nightmare.”
Ned Vizzini, It’s Kind of a Funny Story

Aletheia is a very emotional person.

There are several times at night when she’d wish there’s someone to stab her repeatedly at the back and kill her while no one is around. That feeling of the knife slashing her flesh over and over again gives her that sense of fulfilment that and with that, she can put to rest her troubled mind. Sometimes, Aletheia would entertain this idea of overdosing herself. Will it be even possible to die of overdose when you’re asleep? Because I would really want that, she would often think to herself. The story of Haruki Murakami’s 1Q84 where Aomame kills by using an ice pick thrusting it into the people’s neck untraceable causing instant death would be really efficient for her. If only there’s such thing because she can actually imagine how it will look like. Her parents would find her lifeless on her bed in the morning thinking, she might’ve had a heart attack or some sort of sleep paralysis. With all these ideas in her head, she actually have a suicide note prepared in case worst comes to worst and she can no longer control herself.

Aletheia is self destructive and no one knows about this. Whenever she cries alone, she would bite herself until it stings and numb, hit herself sometimes by punching her legs and arms or if she is accessible with the small wooden stick behind her door, she would grab it and hit her leg until it turns blue and at times, try to look for something sharp to cut herself. She would think it’s better to feel the physical pain rather than the excruciating pain she have inside her chest. She has been a cry baby ever since she can remember and until now that she’s old enough to actually figure things out herself, the idea of ending her life comes even more often. She cries because of a lot of reasons but mainly because she cannot voice out what’s really inside her head.

She used to fight a lot with her sister when she was young. She was older but she was the one who always ends up crying. When she became a teenager, she would often have arguments with her parents and would eventually end up locking herself to her room crying. When her first love broke her heart, she developed this traumatic experience she can’t explain and swore to herself never to feel that kind of emotion again.

There has been this unique constant and weird thing with Aletheia ever since she was a kid. She would hear strange noises in her ear, shouting, fighting, loud voices that would distract her with whatever activity she was currently engaged in. It was the sound of crying, howling people trapped in an open space but the noise sounds like dying people inside a hollow place where rocks fell from the sky and crashes everyone underneath spilling blood and brains. This started when she was in grade school and never left her. She would sometimes hear this while walking, when she wakes up, while inside the class, or during a meeting, it’s practically anywhere and happens very randomly. This has been a well protected secret of hers fearing that people would think of her as crazy. Though she had been able to open this with her family, no one really took this seriously. She told her boyfriend about this of course, but this wasn’t something her boyfriend took a lot of notice.

And now lately, Aletheia has been experiencing one of the worst things in her life in which she cannot define. There’s this uneasiness, dragging and heavy feeling inside her chest that has been affecting her way of dealing things. Her performance at work was affected, her way of communicating to her boyfriend got in the way and worst of all, her self confidence literally dropped down making her feel the worst of herself.

For her, this is a big deal but no one took this seriously. The only person she hoped could understand her left her on her own to figure out this shitty situation she got herself into. She would cry herself every night, hoping that there’s a way she could get herself out this void that has been consuming her slowly. Aletheia stopped caring about anything which wasn’t her at all. She cared about a lot of things, in fact, she cared about everything but this time around, her point of view shifted. She stopped giving a damn about her work, about her looks, about her perception in life and even about her compassion towards other people. This wasn’t the Aletheia everyone knew but no one has even taken notice of this.

She was struggling on her own. She is in a war all by herself and whenever she tries to seek for help, people would dismiss her thinking that she’s just under this stupid phase in life and that she’s just being unreasonable and too emotional. And this breaks her heart a lot. Because it’ so hard for her to try to stand up on her own when it’s herself that kept her down. Perhaps this wasn’t something that’s really in need of help as she was still able to cover up all these struggles she’s undergoing. She comes to the office on time, she eats right, she goes home and sleeps on time. But behind all these, if people would actually try to look deeper, she starts to fail to meet deadlines, forgets important submissions, unable to remember bids, eats unhealthy, goes home practically dragging her feet and closes the door, turns off the life and cries her sleep again at night. There are some online findings when she try to take the test. Might this be depression or what, she definitely knows she needs to work on it right away.

As this is written, Aletheia is probably crying herself to sleep tonight. She needs help. She doesn’t know what specific kind of help she needs but she certainly needs one and praying that she doesn’t do something foolish and end her life.

A Day in a Life of a Sales Person

A Sales Person or an Ahente is normally distinguished as either a Med Rep, Real Estate Agent or an Insurance Agent only. When you’re in sales, you always get this negative connotation that your job is too easy or you’re a master manipulator.

It’s really frustrating and I just have to say that any job is as hard and worthwhile as the other. People tend to judge only by the limit of their knowledge and being in whatever field you are, every one has something to say.
Now enough of this explanation. I’d like to personally share my normal routine as a Sales Person.

 I am a graduate of Marketing and I’ve been working in an International Japanese IT company as an Account Manager for about two years now.

I would gladly explain our solutions and product offerings but this post is about my usual routine so I’d probably write a different one that would discuss more on what I do and how it works around  an IT company. 

Moving on, I leave the house at around 5:30am to beat the early morning traffic. You know what they say, early bird gets the worm. (Or not?) I arrive normally at 8am which gives me ample time to check my emails. Being in Sales, you don’t really follow the normal protocol of 8 hours at work as your performance is based on numbers more than your presence within the corners of your office. 

People at the office doesn’t really arrive until 9:30 or 10 so I take advantage of the peace I have at the moment. I typically get 67 emails a day which is the minimum count that usually contains client updates, follow ups, news and if I get lucky sometimes a Purchase Order (PO). There are times it increases to a hundred and get this, you only got an hour or two to finish going through these mail because after this, life starts outside those sliding doors in a far street in Makati.

And the journey to the client begins. At work, we have our Sales Director who is naturally our Manager. Under an SD are AMs who are assigned with different territories and industries. I happen handle the the North Luzon area and two huge conglomerates.

Basically I start my day at the office and after an hour or two, I head the road. Sometimes I get to go to Subic, Clark, Bataan for a sales call. It might sound a lot of fun that you get to travel a lot but trust me a sales call that far is really exhausting. It would’ve been better if you can stay in a hotel or so but you need to go back home and head to the office the next day again. 

What do i usually talk about? Well, I don’t really have my own sales pitch. What I do is I listen to what my client has to say. There pain points, project objectives and expectations and from there I let my pre sales do all the technical talking. We’re like tag teams, the engineer does the techy stuff and I do the marketing part. Most of the times, I speak with the IT, Network, Operations or Security Managers because as you may know, IT is more than just a computer solving technician. Believe it or not, it’s one of the integral divisions in a company given that our generation consists of computer and internet of things or commonly known as IOT. (You can google that if you want.) Wifi system is more than just a router, your email is more than just a communication channel and your Internet connection is more than just a bandwidth. Everything is interconnected to a more complex solution. In which the IT and the Engineer guys dedicate sweat and blood just to keep the company going. I bet you didn’t know that before these people leaves the office, a mantra or a prayer is repeatedly said just so the servers wouldn’t crash down during the weekends. 

In a day, I make it a point to maximize the visit so I set at about 2-3 meetings. This also enables me to save transportation cost, time and effort.

It’s not the typical 8-hour work routine. Mostly it’s like a 12-hour everyday thing. I consider a day productive when I get to close a deal or I get to uncover an opportunity first. These two allows me to visit the clients again because either we talk about the implementation plan next or the scoping of the project. Of course when you’re the one who discovered the project first, it gives me an advantage over my competitors. This doesn’t happen all the time. There are times you just pay them a visit to let them know your existence or try to fix a problem. Those  on the other hand are two of the things I hate. It makes me feel really worn out especially because you know for a fact na talo ka na. 

Basically that’s how most of my days go. If I still have some time, I go back to the office and finish proposals, and more emails. Then I go home and start over again. 

How Much did They First Pay You to Give Up On Your Dreams?

Up In The Air Clip

“How Much did they First Pay You to Give Up On Your Dreams?”

This is what George Clooney said in the movie, Up In The Air. I haven’t seen the movie yet but this clip made a huge impact in my life. In fact, I don’t think it’s just me who was struck by those words but almost everybody else because tons of comments flooded the clip and there I knew, I wasn’t alone.

I received 18k for my first job which is not what I saw myself applying in. People think it’s really a lot but believe me, it’s not. You’re deducted of around 2k every pay day, twice a month, spend almost 4k for transportation, 200 everyday for food, then there are bills to pay and so on and so forth which leaves you almost nothing. In this fast paced life, money is everything and sometimes, for some people, they tend to give up their dreams just so they can be financially stable as soon as possible.

I hope one day, I’ll have the courage to really pursue my dreams and stop thinking about practically and how others might think of me. This is my life, I’m in charge of it.

Easier said than done.

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