Alétheia

ἀλήθεια, ας, ἡ (the state of not being hidden)

I Probably Should Seek Help Before It’s too Late…

Tbh, I don’t know what’s going on with me. I feel like I’m at my all-time low but I cant even distinguish or tell everyone why. There’s this swelling of darkness inside me that I feel like eats me up everyday.

I don’t know what panic attacks are and how it happens but there are certain situations where I’ve been feeling strange sensations inside me. Like I feel I cannot breathe and there’s a lump inside my throat and I can feel my heart pounding loud and fast. Things around me becomes blurry and I’m usually lost for words. Is this an example of panic attack?

There are also some times when I would just shake and tremble from head to toe and literally freeze like it’s below 10 degrees and that sensation would last for around 10-30 minutes. Apart from all of these, ever since I was a kid, I’ve been hearing strange voices and shouts inside my head and it never went away.

Now, to make things worse, I feel so worthless. Probably because of what happened to me lately but there are several nights where I just find myself crying to sleep and wishing that someone would just stab me while I’m asleep so I wouldn’t wake up. Is this what you call depression? I don’t want to call it that way because I do know that depression is a very serious matter and must not be treated like when a person is depressed, definitely that’s depression instantly. But one thing I do know, I am really really super super miserable. I haven’t been able to sleep well for months now. I would stay awake in the dark up to 4 in the morning doing nothing or probably staring in the pitch black room around me. Sometimes what I would do is take 2 tablets of antihistamine just because I think it has a sedating effect. I know that’s wrong so the next way I did was drink wine every night or any kind of alcohol. Sometimes it helps, sometimes it doesn’t. whenever I wait for sleep to come, I would just cry and cry like how I am crying now. Seriously, I really feel like I’m a worthless piece of shit. I don’t have a job and I feel like no one’s gonna accept me after what happened. I did try to apply but all applications failed or I felt like I was judged. I was afraid to face people. I was afraid to present myself to people and just prefer to hide inside my room forever. I wish I could talk to these things to my friends but I know they would eventually get tired of this reasonless drama. On some random days, I would wake up with a splitting headache and always thought of taking at least 5 tablets just because it might probably kill me and the thought of that somewhat makes me feel like the misery would be over. But I was also afraid. So what I would do is take at least 2-3 tablets so that’s like 1500mg every intake. I was hoping at the back of my head that it would do something to me but it didn’t. so I guess my tolerance of meds are pretty high.

I used to hit myself and bite myself whenever I cry or sad. There was a long wood inside my room that I would use to hit my legs but during those days when I am sane enough, I would ask someone to hide it for me so I wouldn’t be able to use it when my insanity attacks. I do have problems with my tummy and I’ve been having very sensitive stomach lately. I was considering of drinking tap water or contaminated water elsewhere to trigger those amoebas inside my tummy. I did try to drink tap water which used to get me sick but I guess that tap water that I took was pretty clean and it did not have an effect on me. I was wondering where I can find a contaminated water one of these days. Things are not going well for me but I think I am able to portray a very decent and okay image because no one knows that these things are going inside my head on a day to day basis. I am currently taking up my masters degree right now because I thought this is one of the best ways to gain my back my lost self confidence. But the pressure and amount of papers and works to be done are burying me alive and the frustrations with the people I work with for those projects makes me more anxious and frustrated. Especially my boyfriend. I thought I could rely on him but it turns out he can’t do his job right or at least if he does, it would take him longer which would eventually result for me doing almost all of the job. I was hoping I could use him as my stronghold in this time of difficulty but he was toxic and started saying things to me because of my attitude. I did try to tell him that I wasn’t really doing well hoping to God that he would understand but instead, it even resulted to us really not talking at all. So this emotional toll even dug a deeper wound in my bleeding and in comatose self. Even more I felt so worthless. His treatment towards me made me feel like all my efforts in the past are wasted and it made me question myself even more.

I am not a good employee, I am not good with myself, I am not a good sister, I am not a good daughter and now, I am not a good girlfriend. Nothing felt right and I would wish that this would end. There are times when I am crossing the street that I just want to jump right in front a speeding car but then again I would think about the person who’s gonna get involved. If I am going to commit suicide, it has to be clean, no one should be involved and no one should get hurt. Besides, if I die, everything is already settled. My siblings would get money from my insurance (I just hope that suicide is covered in the policy) and my burial plan with St. Peter, the one I’m paying monthly is already settled so I guess no one would be spending anything? Isn’t this weird for someone who has ideas on killing herself?

I guess this isn’t that serious because I am able to kid around and laugh at the matter. The thought is funny but I am crying. Might I be crazy? I did consider going to the Psychology department of our university for counselling but I was afraid that they won’t take me seriously. Like hello? A 24 year old girl who seems to be doing okay with life needs counselling? But I guess I just need someone to hear me out and never get tired of listening to me because right now, it’s just me, my teddy bears and my dogs. Maybe it’s a good thing that I have dogs right? I don’t know if there’s anyone out there who feels like they are literally drowning and is aware how to float and has been trying to swim up but something is pulling them down. And then whenever this feeling arises, you’d just end up crying? Or perhaps I’m just an overly emotional person. They say I’m an overthinker. I tried to talk these feelings to my mom. I told her I feel so worthless and feel like no one out there would take me back and she just dismissed the idea and told me, I shouldn’t feel that way. It really didn’t help a lot especially with the snort and shrugging sound.

When people tells you it’s okay but it’s not. It’s fucking really not. And what’s worse is you don’t know why and there’s this dark feelings inside you that causes you to feel this way. I actually think sometimes I’m pretty good with imagination and convincing myself that something happened even though it really did not. I don’t know if that’s a talent or something bad but sometimes, that happens. I actually forgot specific situations when that happen. – LOL I can’t barely remember if that event was true or not because I’m really pretty good with creating false events in my head and really actually making them true to my head. Can someone out there tell me how to stop this? Please don’t get mad at me though. I cannot afford another person out there to get mad at me. I’ve had enough of people being mad at me.

Seriously I don’t know what specifically is wrong with me but I do know something is not right and I might know how to make things right but I’ve been trying and my emotions are just too powerful for my brains.

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The Best Thing That Has Ever Happened

Jay’s business was on the edge. I was looking at him from afar when one of his employees approached him.

“What’s wrong?” He asked.

Marie has that look on her face. Like I knew what’s going to happen next.

“Jay, I’m leaving.” She said.

I saw the shock, disappointment and dismay on his face and then suddenly it shifted to fear. I didn’t know there were tears streaming down my eyes at that point. I felt like I can feel how hurt he was.

“No, you can’t. Please.” He begged. “You have to stay, we can still do this.”

“I’m sorry Jay.” She said and with that, she handed him her resignation letter.

I think Jay saw me looking at them from where I was standing as I try to wipe down the unexpected tears in my eyes. I used to work for him and I loved working for him. I love the people, I love the company and I love him. He was the kind of person with so much kindness that all you will ever have is respect and love. But I left too. Not because I don’t like being there but there was so much pressure and I needed to go back to school to study.

I tried to hide in a place where he can’t see me but I can still see the entire thing. It turned out when I looked around that Marie was the only employee there. As soon as she went out the room, Milla, his fiancée walked in with another look of disappointment in her face. Jay faced her waiting for the bad news to break.

“They can’t produce any more goods for us.” She broke in.

Milla was holding a can where I remember used to be the logo of the company. Suddenly it came to me. What the hell, even that company where the logo was derived from can’t even sell for Jay? What’s going on? What happened? Why has everything suddenly ridden downhill. The last time I remember, things were going great. It was just unbelievable and I know how much this is so frustrating for them. I can’t handle what was going on anymore and I love him too much to watch him hurt so I went on my way.

There was still one thing he doesn’t know I was doing. I was funding two of his smallest franchises. One is the food related and the other one was the retail store for gadgets. I guess you could say that I was the ghost investor. I was determined to keep it going. It’s the least I can do for him after he helped me with my MBA.

Everyday for the past month, I was checking up on the store, silently keeping tabs with the sales and hoping that It’ll be significant enough to help Jay. Not that I know he was struggling. I just wanted to lend a hand and besides, he doesn’t need to know who I am. I just want to simply help him. That’s all. Although for me to monitor the improvement, I have to be in touch with the manager who I asked to help me keep my identity as a secret. She would tell me when Jay is not around so that I can come visit and know what’s going on.

Unfortunately, there was one time that I think Jay stayed too long and I wasn’t able to read Karla’s message that he was still there and so we crossed paths again. I didn’t know what to say. I don’t want him to see me. Being invisible was enough. As I stared at him, he still has that same glorious kindness exuding out of him. I can’t remember the last time I felt so happy as we both crossed paths. But I know it was inappropriate so I just asked him how he was as nonchalantly as I could then bid my goodbye. I think he followed with his gaze where I was heading but instead of going straight to the store, I rerouted and went to the market instead. I must keep my distance. It’s not like I’m a stalker or anything. I owe him and that’s that. It just so happened that I came across him that day so I was able to witness Marie’s resignation.

A month after, I was back again to my usual rounds when I received a call from Simon, the manager of the food franchise I was investing in, that sales were really hiking up and he wants me to go to the store asap. I was both so excited for him and for me. Maybe this will be the break Jay needed to really get back out there. This maybe a proof that I am really an effective Marketer. I rushed to the store only to see that Jay was across the street and he caught me running towards his store. I felt like he knew what I was up to so he was beating me to my destination. I tried to change my route again or pretend like I was running towards a different place. I stopped in front of the retail branch where Karla was at on the other street. I pretended like I just needed to buy something but to no avail, still saw me and started approaching me. To validate his assumptions even more, Leo, one of the staffs of Simon who doesn’t know my identity should be kept a secret started calling out to me across the street.

“Ms. Aleiah, Ms. Aleiah, target’s been doubled! You have to see!” Leo shouted frantic and excited that he saw me.

I didn’t know if I should approach him or not but my cover was blown so I guess I just have to own it. He stared at me as soon as we were almost facing each other. I can tell there were questions inside his head from the look on his face

“Aleiah, it was you?” He asked as he walk towards me still panting.

I couldn’t speak. I didn’t know what to say. I bet he knew someone was visiting his store. Well I know he knows but I’m guessing he thought it was some other investor. I just smiled.

“All these time?” He asked again. “But why?”

I just shrugged and turned my attention towards Leo as I reached the other store. I entered the shop and he showed me the monitor where all sales really did shoot up and the things we need to invest more in order to sustain the momentum of the marketing campaign I introduced five months ago.

I knew Jay was waiting for an answer so I turned to him again. He was just there, looking at me flabbergasted.

“I’m sorry Jay.” I was able to find my voice to speak. “I’m sorry for not telling you.”

“But why?” He asked.

I remember those two words, but why. I kept on asking him that, three years ago when he offered to help me with my MBA without anything in return. But why Jay? What’s in it for you? Why? I remember how he told me to just consider that helping people like me reach our goals and our full potential. He said it was his vocation on his own little way.

“Just consider this as my way of saying thank you.” I smiled sheepishly reiterating his words when I kept on asking him But Why. “You weren’t supposed to find out.”

He was about to speak when his phone rang. I think it was Milla. I love Milla. She is the epitome of beauty. When I had my interview before, I liked her more than Jay. She was sweet, and pretty and really friendly. She made me feel comfortable. I had so much respect for her. Jay moved away from earshot as he received the call. When he came back, there was another look of sadness in his face. I don’t know if I should ask what’s wrong. I don’t think I’m in the position to. All of a sudden, the dark clouds this afternoon started breaking and rained started pouring. It rained so hard and so sudden that everyone standing outside the store are getting wet. We ran for cover. Some of the staffs tried to take out the roofing for the rain and when they were able to secure it, they were all drenched and dripping wet.

“Come everyone.” He started. “It’s almost closing time anyway. Let’s close early and everyone head straight to my place.”

I looked at him and remembered that his condo was just a block away.

“There’s hot noodles there and some towels to dry yourselves up.”

Everyone nodded and followed.

“You too Aleiah.” He ordered seeing how I was shivering with the sudden downpour.

We all headed straight to his flat. It was on the 32nd floor of a very luxurious apartment. I think he was living with Milla so I kept on asking myself if is it okay to just go there with 6 people with us? But I was freezing and we were all wet. When we reached his floor, he opened the door for us and made us really comfortable offering two towels each. I wasn’t that wet so one towel was enough. I handed the other to the other staffs who were taking turns in using the bathroom to dry themselves. I sat near the kitchen where he was looking for something else to offer us.

“Is Milla around?” I manage to ask as he opened one of the cupboards with so much Jiampong inside. If I remember correctly, Jjamppong was Milla’s favorite.

He didn’t answer.

He opened another cupboard again and more Jjamppong fell out. Wow. Milla must be a hoarder to have like 20 noodles inside.

I noticed him sitting down and dropping his head. Something was wrong. I can feel it.

“Jay, are you alright?” I asked again.

He started sobbing and then turned to crying. I have never seen this image of Jay before. I always thought he was so confident and so perfect that crying was never in the picture or plainly being sad. He always knows what to do in different kinds of situation. When we presented the business review of our team years ago and there was a problem with one of the areas where we thought was already hopeless, he knew what to say and what to do. What’s happening to him?

“She left.”

With that, I know I shouldn’t be asking for more. Milla left Jay. They broke up. And that phone call a while ago was the confirmation of everything else. I looked around afraid that the other staff might see him so I shifted position to cover him while he vent out his emotions. Thank goodness everyone was busy talking to each other and trying their best to be dry so they can all go home to their families.

“Jay…” Is all I have to say.

He grabbed my arm and then looked at me. His eyes were blood red and I don’t know what to do. I wanted to hug him. Like before, three years ago before I was about to leave the company but I know I can’t so I just asked hugged our HR who confirmed the news that Jay was really paying the tuition for my first 2 terms and asked her to hug him for me instead. I knew back then it was awkward but Jenny was a good friend of Jay so I guess it was okay. But today was very different. I just want to make him feel like everything’s going to be alright. That I’ll be here. I didn’t budge and most certainly I didn’t hug him. He just grasped on my arm and I can feel the blood suspended but who cares. If this is the way I can make him feel better, then why not?

He tried to breathe in hard and retrieve his composure. When he was able to dry his eyes, he sat straight and faced him.

“I’m sorry for this Aleiah.” He said, voice hoarse from crying.

I gave him a reassuring smile. Then without me asking, he started explaining everything that’s going on. I don’t need to hear this. I don’t need to hear his management issues and his personal issues but I wanted him to feel better so sitting here silently and listening to him might just be the best way to make him feel so. He just filled me in with what happened when I was gone up to that moment when Marie left. He explained that Marie was the last employee and he was holding on to her until they revive back. But she too cannot handle the pressure anymore specially that everyone already left. I can’t even believe my direct manager before Isabel left Jay as well. But I can’t blame her. Her kids are growing and with a company tipping down a ravine, leaving is probably the best way. Things didn’t go well for this past few years. They weren’t able to catch up with the industry and the trend. Inflation was bad and the digital age was too vulnerable with the country’s market. He wasn’t able to sustain all these changes and even a degree from Harvard is not enough to keep him steady. He needed more help but people started leaving and he was too kind to believe and tell himself that it was the best for his people. Milla on the other hand has to keep surviving as well. Even before being with Jay, I knew she has a career on her own. I just don’t want to ask more personal stuff but Milla must have had her reason. I know her and I respected her. Despite our close age gap, she was my idol. I always wanted to be like her as soon as I get to know her. She was just so perfect so I know there must be something bigger than this that caused her to leave Jay.

Then it hit me that my former boss, is now alone and I can’t bear that. I love him. I love him too much to leave him when the world was failing him. I know he have friends out there. Well, I knew he wasn’t literally alone with all his connections but something’s telling me I can probably help. I may not be a very successful person but I think, somehow I can help. I was able to sustain two of his franchises. He did also mention that the two remaining stores was his last hope of getting out of debt. He was planning to sell it and free himself from all the credits he was buried in. But I think there’s a better way to that.

“I think I can help you.” I said. “I have an idea. It might not be as great as you have but I hope you find time to check it out.”

I saw his face brighten up. And so he agreed. For the next few months. We were having meetings on how we can revive the company. I did tell him I know a certain digital company who is looking for another company with a stable database and loyal customers that they can partner with. I gathered all my friends I know from the industry and some people who we know were very loyal to Jay. After my day job, we kept on seeing one another and working on the ideas and partnerships that we agreed on. In 8 months of preparation, we were finally ready to close the deal with the ShopIt Digital but with one condition, prove them that DBS Ltd. is still alive and can still attract the market and they will even fund the digital campaigns we were proposing. It wasn’t so hard of course for a Harvard MBA graduate to think of something. We decided to rebrand the company and reintroduce it to our database.

Presentation day, it was just me, Jay and our friend who was in charge with all the creative content to face the final verdict. A yes or a no. We showed all what we did for the past 8 months and ended it with a teaser video. Of course, we all know it won’t be easy so when the board of ShopIt Digital asked us for some missing parts, there was a team of five behind our ears listening to everything and putting it into visuals right there and there so by the time were done defending and answering their questions, a new video is ready. I have to say, our team back in our office is really quick because what we showed the board impressed them and finally agreed to partner with us. We were so happy. DBS is back. And for the better. We thanked everyone and made our way out. Johnny, our creative content bid his goodbye as he still has to go pick up his kid. Jay and I were left outside the building with our giddy faces. We were just so happy. I was practically shouting and jumping with the success and he was as well. All of a sudden, he hugged me and kissed me.

I was dumbstruck. The hug, I’ve been looking forward to it but just a friendly hug. BUT THIS? I stood frozen in front of him not able to breathe. He looked at me with so much joy that I forgot how hurt he was months ago. There’s another part of Jay I saw that I never knew also existed. That Jay who’s just being a kid and happy. I never knew he could display so much joy and sadness in this lifetime. I didn’t know he has these emotions at all! Well, not in a bad way but in a good way. He always acted so smooth and professional. If he was happy, he smiled. If he was sad, you wouldn’t be able to tell it. If he was satisfied, he will commend you. But this? Sad? He cries? Happy? He was literally jumping in front of me like we were college students who just survived a notorious panel after pulling several all-nighters for a thesis. He must’ve noticed the distress on my face and the look of shock so he pulled himself out of me and straightened his polo.

“I’m sorry.” He doesn’t look sorry at all. “I’m just glad that it was with you I’m doing all of this.”

And with a snap, I melted. I felt the butterflies everywhere. I felt like I was weak in the knees and that I will just give in. I’ve been telling myself I loved him. I love him. But I never told myself it can be possible to just stand here in front of him, receiving his hug, receiving his touch. I just couldn’t think it could be possible. From what I know, I’ll just be the girl, forever indebted to a guy who used to be my boss and that’s that.

What happened next was hazy. I can’t remember how he said it but I found myself saying yes. Saying yes to going out together. Saying yes to being with him. It was a long conversation but only a few parts retained to me. That I told him he still has to completely move on and not rush into anything and him telling me, we will take it slow but he wants to spend more time with me. I know how much he loved Milla. I know how great their love was. I’ve seen it. They’re match made in heaven and I could never compete with that. But the thought of being with him, and Jay in the flesh asking to really go out with him was something beyond my imagination. It was something I can never comprehend but then again, it was a silent prayer at the back of my head. I knew this was not cheating. Jay and Milla are no longer together. With that, I hugged him! After four years!

And so, we were officially a couple. I can’t believe it. I was in the clouds. Being with Jay is more than a dream come true. It’s the best thing that had ever happened to me. Of course, I made sure he never found out that I liked him even before. I think that’s something I have to keep to myself. We went out every now and then. We were able to know more things about each other. I was able to meet some of his friends, and he was able to meet mine. One of the perks of dating a CEO (who by the way is only 6 years older than me) is his awesome car so every time we come to parties with my friends, we always show up in his BMW or Benz. I told him we can use my old rusty Vios but of course, being a gentleman that he was, he always insists of driving me or picking me up.

I have always liked drinking socially. Not to the extent of being drunk but just a few glasses that can make me feel a little tipsy and sleepy. At times, when he was busy at work and he can’t come, he always makes sure to pick me up even at 3 in the morning. It’s something I was so proud and grateful. There was a time that it was past 3 in the morning and I texted him that I was almost through, I saw him outside talking to one of my friends. He was even there before I was done and he was just waiting patiently before I tell him I’m ready to be picked it up. He doesn’t seem bored or anything. He had a glass for himself and from what seems to be a beer and was casually talking to one of my friends and some people outside. I approached him and hugged him. He kissed me on the cheek.

“Ready to go home?” He asked.

“Why are you talking to Miggy?” I said.

“He just saw me pullover a while ago. I just arrived and offered me a drink.” He answered.

“Who are those other people you’re talking to?” I asked again feeling my knees shaking.

He caught me up and assisted me. “That’s Ramon and Dina.” I met them a few years ago during one of the conference.

Ramon and Dina gave me a wave when Jay looked their way. I waved back. I was sleepy and tipsy and I didn’t notice I was clinging too much on him. Some of my friends went out and Jay politely bid them goodbye and drove me home.

DBS’ partnership with the digital company was a success. Jay’s back on his feet and the company is up and running again and this time, better than before. The two shops I’ve invested in weren’t sold and were doing good than ever. Jay was really happy with the strategies I’ve laid down and I felt like I really did something good. I mean hello? A commendation from a Harvard graduate, known in his industry and I genuinely believe it’s not because I’m his girlfriend or anything. We actually decided separate professional and personal life and so we agreed not to work together and we knew it’s for the best so I remained to where I was working. At some days, I would visit and just check up on him. He was back to being the Jay I remember. The professional and business like person that he was but the difference was, this time, he was mine. There were things I guess that would just remain between the two of us. He was very clingy. I think it was his alter-ego but I don’t mind. He was only like that when it’s just us together.  There was a time when he was the last one in the office and I came by to bring him dinner. He was slumped inside the conference room. One thing about him that I also like is his humility. He doesn’t want his own table or his own room. Since he was always in meetings outside, he would just stay inside the conference room when no one is using it. Or at times share a desk with the other staff. I kept on insisting he get his own mini spot but he kept on saying that he doesn’t want his employees to think he’s the supreme or anything similar. The corporate structure was linear. Everyone works for one another and that’s the kind of attitude that made me apply with them in the first place. I sat beside him and opened the take out I ordered. He sighed and smiled and just leaned beside me and gave me a quick kiss. I know he’s tired.

“Do you need help with anything?” I asked.

“Nope, just wrapping this BR.” He said.

I smiled with the thought of the BR. I was only a month old in the company and everyone was afraid of presenting the business review to Jay before and that fear was passed on to me. When the presentation day came, I was frantic and sweating bullets. I thought Jay was scary but it turns out he was not. He was just very specific and just very smart. He knows everything. That 80 slides with graphs and stats, he knows it and he can even compute it mentally. I don’t know how he does it but I swear he has an IQ greater than any person I know. And looking at his Macbook and the printed papers on the desk, I can pretty much tell and it’s like that as well. We wrapped up around 10:30 and after that, he was dead beat. He was really tired and he was practically dragging his feet down the staircase going to the parking. I decided I should drive instead. I assisted him as we walked towards the car. Despite him being tired, he was stealing kisses as we walked together. Well that’s Jay. He was my support system and I was his. Clingy, like a kid at times, but mostly he’s pretty much everything that I’ve dreamed of. And then I woke up.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Over It

I think I will never be able to remove that anger towards her. It’s been there for as long as I can remember and no matter how much I love her. It won’t go away. I can’t bear to see her anymore making those faces, ranting, or complaining. It makes me sick to the bones whenever she starts cursing between her lips and with every passing day that this happens, I know I’d rather die than live with her forever.

There’s just too much pain and scar she caused me. My heart was literally broken into pieces and no greater love from her can fix this. I know that now. After all those years when I thought what I had for her was unconditional love, it was just something that the society had me do. Don’t get me wrong, I will love her forever, but not like before. Not like I can tolerate everything that she has done and kept on doing. Not life before when I can talk some sense to myself that this trait would eventually go away. Give it some time, maybe at that moment, we needed more time to grow and be more matured. But nothing of the sort happened, and I actually think it got even worse. I can no longer control it and the overwhelming feeling of sadness and hurt inside me is just too much. I can no longer talk back, I can no longer talk to her properly. Everything was pure chaos and when she thinks everything was okay between the two of us, I was scarred forever.

Record 002- Independence Day

Hi,

Today is the 55th independence day of the Philippines. People online kept on posting things about today’s event while I was just at home binge watching Keeping Up with the Kardashians in the morning and Coffee Prince in the afternoon. There’s nothing significant on this day for me and I know I should really be proud or anything but I’m just a small girl trying to figure out her life and celebrating Independence Day isn’t something significant for me.

In order to gradually detoxicate my life from social media, I deactivated my Facebook for a while. It’s just Instagram and twitter that remained alive. So far, all I see are celebrities and picturesque sceneries online. It’s less toxic than people posting several things online as most of the persons I follow in Instagram are not my real life friends. I told myself I was suppose to work today but I only started working at around 5 in the afternoon. I know it’s procrastination but I really felt down. My boyfriend kept on sending me things online and asking for my opinion and stuff and I really don’t feel like talking or helping him out with anything. I’m really frustrated with myself. He knows what I’m going through but he kept on asking what’s wrong and I had enough explaining to him when he can’t even understand. There was a time I asked him what does he think of me and my problems and he said he thinks I was improving. For someone who doesn’t know the entire story, it’s actually a good thing but the words he chose are the wrong words because none of the events happening in life shows any sign of improvement. I kept messing up at work. I failed to deliver results. I suck at everything. I kept hitting our car, spending too much on stress etc. I was quite hopeful he must’ve seen something to say that but he was like- Uhhh… I don’t know. I just think you’re improving. To make things short, he doesn’t really know what I’m going through. He never understood and his words are hollow. And it made me feel even worse. Today he kept asking what wrong? For heaven’s sake. HE KNOWS WHAT’S WRONG. HE JUST DOESN’T LISTEN.

As I have mentioned yesterday, I hit out car and I need to have it fixed. I’m so sorry to compare but my other guy friend knows what to do. He offered to help me search for the right people and the right place to have it repaired. He was willing to help out whereas my boyfriend was– So, what now? It’s really frustrating. SERIOUSLY!!!! He’s a spoiled little brat who always gets his way around everything and doesn’t give a fuck of what I’m going through. He doesn’t even know how to help me. And I hate it. Anyway, I was able to get estimates on how much I’m supposed to spend on the repair. More or less, it’s gonna be around 5,000 pesos. That’s really too much for me and I don’t have enough money so I think I have to borrow from other people.

Anyway, I was working just a while ago when I saw an email from my dad. I felt really guilty. I wasn’t able to text or call him so he made an effort to send me an email. It’s been quite a while since I was able to talk to him and he was asking about work. A month ago, I flew to where he was working to see him. He completely understands where I’m coming from but I failed to constantly communicate with him as I was really too busy with work. Of course, I responded as soon as I saw the email. I just felt really bad.

Still Miserable,

Mara

Record 001- Trial Run

Hi,

Today I have decided to start recording my miseries again. I know I’m being a pessimist with this but I don’t have any outlet at all and I feel like I’m breaking down.

Do you know the feeling when there’s just so much swelling deep inside your chest but you can’t let it all out? I feel like I’m about to burst but I can’t. I need an outlet and I’m guessing that writing it down would somehow make me feel better.

I called this trial run because I don’t even know if I can continue doing this, maybe because I’m busy, or maybe because I just don’t feel like doing it. A part of this exercise is embracing myself. Who I really am. Social media destroyed me and I don’t even know who I want to be. For so long, I’ve been really indecisive and mainly because whatever I see online, I try to imitate it or worse, I want it even though I know I can’t have it. I have started doubting myself, my physical appearance. I wanna be like those in the magazine and no matter how much they’re photoshopped, I have to admit I still wanna be like them. I wanna be whatever is posted online. A perfect job, a perfect family, a perfect boyfriend, a perfect life.

But so far, what I got is far from perfect. I have a job. And I suck at it. I have a family, well I wouldn’t say they’re perfect and we have our issues of course. I have a boyfriend whom I can’t really rely onto and a life that is totally miserable.

I graduated as a Marketing student from what I think is a great school. It’s not the best, but it’s well known and the president and vice president of the country graduated from that school so it’s most likely one of the top I guess. But you know how it works around here. If you don’t belong in the top 4 schools, you’re pretty much like the rest. So yeah, I guess you can say I’m pretty much like the rest. But of course, there’s always an exception. If you’re rich and you’re parents can help you get through life, then you’re always good to go.

I graduated last 2014 and it’s been almost 3 years since then. I used to have a great job where I think I’m good at and people appreciate me there. I was in sales and I was doing good, not great but good. But then I left. Maybe because I was worn out. maybe because I was too proud of myself but I kept on telling myself and everyone that I wanted something new. I want to grow and being in sales won’t get me where I want to be. But that’s even the bigger question. I don’t know where I want to be. I just want to be rich. That’s all. Well of course, having a job you love comes with all of this.

And so I transferred to this new job where I thought will help me grow better. And I genuinely believe they will really help me but it’s just that, I know I don’t belong. It’s a start-up company where everyone values the culture. They are really sensitive with the people they bring in and I was quite lucky to pass the interview. However, when it comes to the real deal, I’m messing up big time. Maybe I can go over it some other time in this online diary but for now, all I can say is I feel like I’m not worth anything anymore. I don’t believe in myself anymore and writing this diary in English is really hard for me whereas before, I know I can fluently speak and write in English. I doubted my existence and I feel like I’m the worst person there is and no one really understands me. To top it all off, I JUST FUCKING HIT OUR CAR! Yep, you read it right. I just hit our car and the front bumper fell off, a few weeks ago, I hit the back bumper as well and huge dents are really visible and I DON’T HAVE THE MONEY TO PAY FOR THE REPAIR! And I can’t let my dad find out about this.

I AM FREAKING OUT! I don’t know what to do. I have to get it fixed in two weeks before he arrives or I will forever be banned of driving unless I am the one who bought the car in any case is far from impossible because I don’t even have the money to have it repaired. My mom of course cannot help me and she was MAD AF.

I don’t know what to do but today, that’s my dilemma and I don’t even know if I’ll be able to sleep well tonight. And of course, there’s always the thought of work and how I failed to deliver the results they’re asking of me and that I have to work during the weekend in which I haven’t started anything yet and it’s already Sunday night. It’s a good thing though it’s a long weekend and so I still have Monday tomorrow being a holiday to help me catch up with my work load. Let’s hope I don’t procrastinate.

 

still miserable,

Mara

Chapters of Anxiety – Chapter 1

Chapter 1.

Fear. Rejection. Cowardice.

It was 8 in the morning. It was too early for my call time at 10. But I don’t want to be late. I was used to going to work early so this is not a big deal.

I went to Starbucks, ordered my usual morning drink, a grande English Breakfast Tea mixed with two cups of honey and then a corned beef pandesal. My tummy was rumbling so I know this was a sign not to eat anything heavy. This was the nervousness talking in the pit of my stomach and I can hear it loud and clear. I took out my book to kill some time. I was reading Summit Media’s- “Letters to My Children”. It’s a collection of letters from famous parents. I felt like this was the perfect book for my first day in my new world. It’s like bringing along the words of wisdom of my folks but only this time, 35 more parents are with me. I know by reading this book, I can get through the day with their words of encouragement.

As I ready through the lines, I can’t seem to concentrate. Waves of thoughts are crashing through my trying to focus brain.

Trying something new for the first time. Breaking away from your natural habits, everyday routines. Getting off your comfort zone. It all feels so surreal in a really really scary way. I just want to run back home. Cover my self beneath the sheets and never see the sun shine again. It feels really scary. I couldn’t sleep. I couldn’t breathe. I feel like I’m choking and a huge lump got stuck on my throat. I cannot eat. I cannot think. It’s like I’m not me anymore. Emotions are bursting everywhere. I tried to read a book but even the most shallow lines made me tear up. I feel like my stomach is in circles and I’d just visit the toilet every now and then. I feel like throwing up. My body is betraying me from all these hulla baloo going on around.

My corned beef pandesal was cold. Maya birds started stealing my breakfast but even that entertaining scene doesn’t amuse me. I was too bothered. Too bothered with the anxiousness running all over me. I was teary eyed. I wanted to cry but I don’t even know if crying would help me ease out the anxiety. I wanted to call someone. Anyone. Anyone that can help me feel better but I doubt anyone can make me feel so. People would just tell me, Kaya mo yan, ikaw pa. They have too much faith in me. But I don’t have in myself. My body is really betraying my old self assured personality.

“I CANNOT DO THIS!” My mind was shouting and it was deafening but of course, no one can hear my thoughts.

Maybe this is what it feels like leaving your comfort zone. For the past years, I have been pretty complacent where I was not minding how I was doing or where I’m heading. There was no pressure anymore. No pressure in a sense because I already know what I am doing and whatever they ask of me, I know I can deliver. Then one day, it hit me.

I need something else. I need something more. As if the pressure where I was at that moment wasn’t enough. I was like, I needed something to make me fear again. To make me bring back my A-game. I need to challenge myself even more. Beyond what I was doing at the moment. And then I decided to leave.

It was a very slow, long and difficult departure. I was literally like breaking up with a lover, a boyfriend, a partner. The separation involved tears, acceptance and moving on. This is not an exaggeration. This is the real thing. I just realised it by then how valuable the job was to me. The job-meaning my family, the people I work with. My boss, my colleagues, my mentors, my friends. Everyone. They were my safe haven. They are the love-hate relationship that you usually call when you hated them but at the same time, they are the home you go back to.

I can still remember the separation like yesterday. I was sending endorsement emails, setting up endorsement meetings and those people that were really close to me were still in denial. I was in denial. But I know I needed to do this. I need to make this move or else, I won’t get the chance again. It’s now or never.

 

And so I packed up, and left.

 

And I was devastated. I found myself, looking back. Wanting to go back. Wanting to run back home. Wanting to not push through the day. Wanting to take back my resignation and just return to how everything was used to be.

I missed home. I missed my family. I missed being complacent. I miss the freedom. I miss my old job.

 

next chapter…

Chapter 2. Expectations. Reality. Pressure.

Finding the Perfect Watch 

I just have to share my enthusiasm when I got the watch I have been dreaming about.❤❤❤

You see, I’ve been a watch person ever since I was in highschool and I had this bad habit of getting a new one whenever the battery runs out. I know this is not really the right thing to do but my ninongs and ninangs were always fond of giving me watches that I never worry of running out of them. There was this time on my 18th birthday that I probably got 7 and so I had plenty to choose from. 

Just when I graduated in college that I later realized how wrong was it for me to develop that bad habit of just getting rid of watches whenever the battery dies and so I tried to search for the remaining ones and had the batts change. (New me, new life but the truth is, ang mahal bumili ng bago now that I’m spending for myself )  I also did this because all my stocks eventually ran out and I had nothing to use. When I successfully revived the remaining 4 that I saved, I realized I needed one formal watch that I can use for special events and that’s when the quest for the perfect watch started.

I saw the Anne Klein watch on a website called www.watchportal.com.ph and immediately fell in love with it. Here’s a screencap of the site. I’m not really comfortable buying online so I personally went to the Anne Klein store in Greenbelt 5 to check the item. I wasn’t quite decided then as it was quite expensive so I waited for a while and searched for more.

However, I could not find anything as perfect as the first one I saw and ended up looking for the exact same style from various brands. Of course there are plenty of good ones but I just can’t afford them. I came across options such as Timex, Casio, Tomato and even closely resorted to buying that Geneva watch at Lazada. It was a good thing I didn’t because my sister bought 3 for 380 Pesos I think and although the design was okay, the material where it’s made of is really not okay for me. It’s too lightweight and the noisy like the metal sounds like a tin can being hit by another tin can. (No offense to Lazada, they got the best stuff except for that Geneva watch. We’re avid buyers of Lazada btw )

I then decided to save for this Anne Klein watch which took me 5 months to complete the amount. When I went back to the store, it was out of stock already and so I have to succumb with loneliness knowing I can’t buy it yet. 

Then just last week when I visited again, one stock came in and I didn’t thought twice and bought it immediately. 

The best thing about this is that it’s not too much. Not too gold, not too heavy, not too sparkly and not too formal. I mean, you know what I’m saying? It’s just right.

It’s perfect for its price. There are a lot of watches out there like Fossil, Citizen, Michael Kors, Daniel Wellington etc… but it’s just that I really fell in love with this one.

And so, the watch and I lived happily ever after. (Actuality just in time for an event I have to attend this Saturday) AND I AM SOOOO HAPPY!!!! 😍😍😍💖💖💖

(This post is not sponsored nor advertised. I’m just really happy and wanted to share my happiness in writing.) 

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