The One-oh-Ones

by maramcm

I basically describe myself as a goal oriented person. — well before.

My life is in twists right now. I used to know where I want to go, what I want to do, where I want to be but with all the stress and reality, I suddenly find myself lost in oblivion.

Way back then, I had this notebook I always carry and whenever I think of something, I try to search for a place and write everything down, afraid that the thought might fade. The notebook was filled with so much dreams, ambitions that kept me going. It’s my life-game plan, my directory, my manual, my treasure map. And each single day, I think of something that can help me unfold the mysteries and challenges that can help me achieve where I want to be I write it down immediately. I was a bookworm. I crave for words, for stories, for books. I could never leave a day without reading and the books I read also helps fuel up for more. People identify me as a very ambitious person and I was so proud of it. Rarely do people know where they see themselves but not me. I am 100% sure that this is the path I want to take and this is the direction I want to go. That was way back then.

I graduated seeing myself working in a PR or Advertising or perhaps Brand/Product Marketing. My first job was PR, I was a project based writer but the compensation isn’t enough and the stability is on the rocks so I told myself to find a more stable job that can help me pay the bills and get where I want to go. I applied to more than what my hands and feet can count and there were oh-so-close opportunities that will suddenly slip right of my fingers. It was so frustrating. How can a girl reach her dreams with this kind of set up. It took me months until I finally decided, Mara, stop being too picky. You’ll get there. And so, I accepted an opportunity in the insurance industry. They pay was good, the benefits were okay and I tried convincing myself that this will help me get up that ladder. But in 3 months, I was dreading to get out. The reason is because, the job was not me. I was stuck in the office the entire day, doing insurance stuff without even having my own computer. It was tiring but I told myself to be patient. 5 months, a month before my regularization, I was doing good and my regularization documents are already on its way for approval but deep inside, I was dragging myself just to get to work. My mind is screaming, begging to leave and so I did. My boss was hesitant to let me go but the only thing I was so sure of is that if I spend another day at that office, I’m gonna explode.

For my boss back then. Ma’am please don’t get me wrong. It’s not that the job wasn’t good, it’s just that, the job wasn’t me and I’ll be forever indebted with your teachings.

The day after I resigned, I immediately got hired to a multinational company as sales. The job was good, the offer was higher and the people were very nice. But then again, it was a very tiring job. I got my regularization and I was doing pretty good until some realizations started cluttering my sense of direction.

I suddenly felt that I was lost. At first I thought it was just the tired version of myself talking but months and months came by and I felt like drifting to nowhere. I asked myself, where do I really see myself in the years to come? With my job in sales right now, will I be able to achieve ny goals? Questions flooded my mind and answers are left unspoken. I was emotionally, physically and mentally worned out.

I leave our house at 5:15am to arrive at 7am in Makati so I can leave for Laguna at 7:30 then arrives back at 7:30 pm in Makati and get home by 10:30 and the same goes the next day. Then talk about stress with my current clients and internal processes. Plus the stress of achieving your target and keeping up with your boss. Then when you get home you have to deal with another set of dilemmas not to mention boyfriend issues and the very famous financial constraints. It’s too much to handle for a 22 year old like me.

I used to paint, write, edit videos and take photos. What happened to those skills? Gone. Why? Because I was too busy keeping up with my current busy life.

I am still trying to figure out what do I really want but I do hope I’ll be able to see the light soon because this is really stressing me out.