The Story of an Almost Survivor

by maramcm

“I didn’t want to wake up. I was having a much better time asleep. And that’s really sad. It was almost like a reverse nightmare, like when you wake up from a nightmare you’re so relieved. I woke up into a nightmare.”
Ned Vizzini, It’s Kind of a Funny Story

Aletheia is a very emotional person.

There are several times at night when she’d wish there’s someone to stab her repeatedly at the back and kill her while no one is around. That feeling of the knife slashing her flesh over and over again gives her that sense of fulfilment that and with that, she can put to rest her troubled mind. Sometimes, Aletheia would entertain this idea of overdosing herself. Will it be even possible to die of overdose when you’re asleep? Because I would really want that, she would often think to herself. The story of Haruki Murakami’s 1Q84 where Aomame kills by using an ice pick thrusting it into the people’s neck untraceable causing instant death would be really efficient for her. If only there’s such thing because she can actually imagine how it will look like. Her parents would find her lifeless on her bed in the morning thinking, she might’ve had a heart attack or some sort of sleep paralysis. With all these ideas in her head, she actually have a suicide note prepared in case worst comes to worst and she can no longer control herself.

Aletheia is self destructive and no one knows about this. Whenever she cries alone, she would bite herself until it stings and numb, hit herself sometimes by punching her legs and arms or if she is accessible with the small wooden stick behind her door, she would grab it and hit her leg until it turns blue and at times, try to look for something sharp to cut herself. She would think it’s better to feel the physical pain rather than the excruciating pain she have inside her chest. She has been a cry baby ever since she can remember and until now that she’s old enough to actually figure things out herself, the idea of ending her life comes even more often. She cries because of a lot of reasons but mainly because she cannot voice out what’s really inside her head.

She used to fight a lot with her sister when she was young. She was older but she was the one who always ends up crying. When she became a teenager, she would often have arguments with her parents and would eventually end up locking herself to her room crying. When her first love broke her heart, she developed this traumatic experience she can’t explain and swore to herself never to feel that kind of emotion again.

There has been this unique constant and weird thing with Aletheia ever since she was a kid. She would hear strange noises in her ear, shouting, fighting, loud voices that would distract her with whatever activity she was currently engaged in. It was the sound of crying, howling people trapped in an open space but the noise sounds like dying people inside a hollow place where rocks fell from the sky and crashes everyone underneath spilling blood and brains. This started when she was in grade school and never left her. She would sometimes hear this while walking, when she wakes up, while inside the class, or during a meeting, it’s practically anywhere and happens very randomly. This has been a well protected secret of hers fearing that people would think of her as crazy. Though she had been able to open this with her family, no one really took this seriously. She told her boyfriend about this of course, but this wasn’t something her boyfriend took a lot of notice.

And now lately, Aletheia has been experiencing one of the worst things in her life in which she cannot define. There’s this uneasiness, dragging and heavy feeling inside her chest that has been affecting her way of dealing things. Her performance at work was affected, her way of communicating to her boyfriend got in the way and worst of all, her self confidence literally dropped down making her feel the worst of herself.

For her, this is a big deal but no one took this seriously. The only person she hoped could understand her left her on her own to figure out this shitty situation she got herself into. She would cry herself every night, hoping that there’s a way she could get herself out this void that has been consuming her slowly. Aletheia stopped caring about anything which wasn’t her at all. She cared about a lot of things, in fact, she cared about everything but this time around, her point of view shifted. She stopped giving a damn about her work, about her looks, about her perception in life and even about her compassion towards other people. This wasn’t the Aletheia everyone knew but no one has even taken notice of this.

She was struggling on her own. She is in a war all by herself and whenever she tries to seek for help, people would dismiss her thinking that she’s just under this stupid phase in life and that she’s just being unreasonable and too emotional. And this breaks her heart a lot. Because it’ so hard for her to try to stand up on her own when it’s herself that kept her down. Perhaps this wasn’t something that’s really in need of help as she was still able to cover up all these struggles she’s undergoing. She comes to the office on time, she eats right, she goes home and sleeps on time. But behind all these, if people would actually try to look deeper, she starts to fail to meet deadlines, forgets important submissions, unable to remember bids, eats unhealthy, goes home practically dragging her feet and closes the door, turns off the life and cries her sleep again at night. There are some online findings when she try to take the test. Might this be depression or what, she definitely knows she needs to work on it right away.

As this is written, Aletheia is probably crying herself to sleep tonight. She needs help. She doesn’t know what specific kind of help she needs but she certainly needs one and praying that she doesn’t do something foolish and end her life.

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