Record 001- Trial Run

by maramcm

Hi,

Today I have decided to start recording my miseries again. I know I’m being a pessimist with this but I don’t have any outlet at all and I feel like I’m breaking down.

Do you know the feeling when there’s just so much swelling deep inside your chest but you can’t let it all out? I feel like I’m about to burst but I can’t. I need an outlet and I’m guessing that writing it down would somehow make me feel better.

I called this trial run because I don’t even know if I can continue doing this, maybe because I’m busy, or maybe because I just don’t feel like doing it. A part of this exercise is embracing myself. Who I really am. Social media destroyed me and I don’t even know who I want to be. For so long, I’ve been really indecisive and mainly because whatever I see online, I try to imitate it or worse, I want it even though I know I can’t have it. I have started doubting myself, my physical appearance. I wanna be like those in the magazine and no matter how much they’re photoshopped, I have to admit I still wanna be like them. I wanna be whatever is posted online. A perfect job, a perfect family, a perfect boyfriend, a perfect life.

But so far, what I got is far from perfect. I have a job. And I suck at it. I have a family, well I wouldn’t say they’re perfect and we have our issues of course. I have a boyfriend whom I can’t really rely onto and a life that is totally miserable.

I graduated as a Marketing student from what I think is a great school. It’s not the best, but it’s well known and the president and vice president of the country graduated from that school so it’s most likely one of the top I guess. But you know how it works around here. If you don’t belong in the top 4 schools, you’re pretty much like the rest. So yeah, I guess you can say I’m pretty much like the rest. But of course, there’s always an exception. If you’re rich and you’re parents can help you get through life, then you’re always good to go.

I graduated last 2014 and it’s been almost 3 years since then. I used to have a great job where I think I’m good at and people appreciate me there. I was in sales and I was doing good, not great but good. But then I left. Maybe because I was worn out. maybe because I was too proud of myself but I kept on telling myself and everyone that I wanted something new. I want to grow and being in sales won’t get me where I want to be. But that’s even the bigger question. I don’t know where I want to be. I just want to be rich. That’s all. Well of course, having a job you love comes with all of this.

And so I transferred to this new job where I thought will help me grow better. And I genuinely believe they will really help me but it’s just that, I know I don’t belong. It’s a start-up company where everyone values the culture. They are really sensitive with the people they bring in and I was quite lucky to pass the interview. However, when it comes to the real deal, I’m messing up big time. Maybe I can go over it some other time in this online diary but for now, all I can say is I feel like I’m not worth anything anymore. I don’t believe in myself anymore and writing this diary in English is really hard for me whereas before, I know I can fluently speak and write in English. I doubted my existence and I feel like I’m the worst person there is and no one really understands me. To top it all off, I JUST FUCKING HIT OUR CAR! Yep, you read it right. I just hit our car and the front bumper fell off, a few weeks ago, I hit the back bumper as well and huge dents are really visible and I DON’T HAVE THE MONEY TO PAY FOR THE REPAIR! And I can’t let my dad find out about this.

I AM FREAKING OUT! I don’t know what to do. I have to get it fixed in two weeks before he arrives or I will forever be banned of driving unless I am the one who bought the car in any case is far from impossible because I don’t even have the money to have it repaired. My mom of course cannot help me and she was MAD AF.

I don’t know what to do but today, that’s my dilemma and I don’t even know if I’ll be able to sleep well tonight. And of course, there’s always the thought of work and how I failed to deliver the results they’re asking of me and that I have to work during the weekend in which I haven’t started anything yet and it’s already Sunday night. It’s a good thing though it’s a long weekend and so I still have Monday tomorrow being a holiday to help me catch up with my work load. Let’s hope I don’t procrastinate.

 

still miserable,

Mara

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