Record 002- Independence Day

by maramcm

Hi,

Today is the 55th independence day of the Philippines. People online kept on posting things about today’s event while I was just at home binge watching Keeping Up with the Kardashians in the morning and Coffee Prince in the afternoon. There’s nothing significant on this day for me and I know I should really be proud or anything but I’m just a small girl trying to figure out her life and celebrating Independence Day isn’t something significant for me.

In order to gradually detoxicate my life from social media, I deactivated my Facebook for a while. It’s just Instagram and twitter that remained alive. So far, all I see are celebrities and picturesque sceneries online. It’s less toxic than people posting several things online as most of the persons I follow in Instagram are not my real life friends. I told myself I was suppose to work today but I only started working at around 5 in the afternoon. I know it’s procrastination but I really felt down. My boyfriend kept on sending me things online and asking for my opinion and stuff and I really don’t feel like talking or helping him out with anything. I’m really frustrated with myself. He knows what I’m going through but he kept on asking what’s wrong and I had enough explaining to him when he can’t even understand. There was a time I asked him what does he think of me and my problems and he said he thinks I was improving. For someone who doesn’t know the entire story, it’s actually a good thing but the words he chose are the wrong words because none of the events happening in life shows any sign of improvement. I kept messing up at work. I failed to deliver results. I suck at everything. I kept hitting our car, spending too much on stress etc. I was quite hopeful he must’ve seen something to say that but he was like- Uhhh… I don’t know. I just think you’re improving. To make things short, he doesn’t really know what I’m going through. He never understood and his words are hollow. And it made me feel even worse. Today he kept asking what wrong? For heaven’s sake. HE KNOWS WHAT’S WRONG. HE JUST DOESN’T LISTEN.

As I have mentioned yesterday, I hit out car and I need to have it fixed. I’m so sorry to compare but my other guy friend knows what to do. He offered to help me search for the right people and the right place to have it repaired. He was willing to help out whereas my boyfriend was– So, what now? It’s really frustrating. SERIOUSLY!!!! He’s a spoiled little brat who always gets his way around everything and doesn’t give a fuck of what I’m going through. He doesn’t even know how to help me. And I hate it. Anyway, I was able to get estimates on how much I’m supposed to spend on the repair. More or less, it’s gonna be around 5,000 pesos. That’s really too much for me and I don’t have enough money so I think I have to borrow from other people.

Anyway, I was working just a while ago when I saw an email from my dad. I felt really guilty. I wasn’t able to text or call him so he made an effort to send me an email. It’s been quite a while since I was able to talk to him and he was asking about work. A month ago, I flew to where he was working to see him. He completely understands where I’m coming from but I failed to constantly communicate with him as I was really too busy with work. Of course, I responded as soon as I saw the email. I just felt really bad.

Still Miserable,

Mara

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