Alétheia

ἀλήθεια, ας, ἡ (the state of not being hidden)

Day 33

Seeing you in class and that try to be “normal and casual” conversations are killing me. It’s not easy but I’m trying by telling myself it’s better this way than totally being rejected at all.

It’s hard to keep it inside. I still wish I get hit by a car or just collapse in the middle of the road. I still want to end the pain. But I made a pact with the Lord even though I know it’s an agreement without anything to hold on to. I still believe I am holding on to something.

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Day 32

Today I felt the strongest I guess. I tried to fill my head with all the positivity I can muster. Even tried to joke over sms. I was also able to muster up the courage to message our group chat. You don’t know how hard that was.

I will continue to ask God everyday until you come back. Until then, today I will still fight to survive.

Day 31

I’ve been too pushy. I should’ve known better yet how would I really know. I don’t know anything anymore.

I asked the Lord. Again and again. And will continue to do so until you come back to me. I made a deal, I will not commit suicide, but he’ll give you back to me. I will try. I will try to get through today. And then tomorrow. Until you’re ready. I will be waiting. As long as I can.

Day 30

I had a few friends who invited me to breakfast, lunch and even dinner. Had 2 bottles of wine to get through the night and it was such a relief to be able to be under the influence of alcohol but it helps.

Your message this afternoon got me off guard. Even though it looks meaningless, for me, it meant a lot. I will continue praying until He hears me. I will not give up. I will get through each day, one day at a time until God grants me that one more chance.

Day 29

I had to endure the entire day because of this nonsense crying. I almost lost it when I was breaking down in my best friend’s car. I wanted to die. So badly. I wish I could’ve. But I didn’t.

I don’t know how to survive tomorrow. Still wishing I don’t need to wake up anymore.

Day 28

I couldn’t stop crying. I can’t stop myself despite your one message – Good afternoon. I was hopeless and I found myself being destructive again.

I don’t care about the physical pain. All I need is for this emotional pain to stop. If I have to cut myself, I would. I just want this suffering to end. I want to stop breathing. If only, if only I can get any assurance that we will still be together. But only him and God knows. And for now, I’d rather die than anything else.

Suicide

I’ve been thinking about this for quite sometime now and even before this occurrence happened, I knew somehow, there’s a huge chance I might do it.

Am I afraid? I don’t think so. But funny enough, I don’t want it to ruin my body. If I will commit suicide, I want it in the most subtle way possible without bruises or wounds or marks.

Drowning can be one. Or overdose. Or any medically assisted suicide. I think in Oregon it’s legal but I sure don’t have the money to fly there. I want to end this misery so badly. I’ve written my goodbyes. I’m not afraid to hurt myself. What I’ve been doing for the past weeks are too shallow. Taking the things that I’m allergic to. It’s not working. Just when I badly need it. So I guess I have to step up my game? Where can I find any bacterial infection that would take me to the hospital? Or should I drink water from drainages? Or what about those softdrinks + mentos thing inside your tummy that would make it explode? Anything please! Just to help me stop feeling this pain in my chest.

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