Alétheia

ἀλήθεια, ας, ἡ (the state of not being hidden)

Day 9

Today was a long day. Woke up at 3 in the morning and was never able to fall back to sleep. I had so many thoughts, how to make it work. What to do, what plans, what’s right and what isn’t. I had to bother 5 people even before 8am just because I has so much thoughts going through my head.

It hurts so bad. My mom was begging me to have my skin checked because my rashes are actively popping out. But I just asked her to wait until the end of the month when I get my regularization so that we don’t have to worry about any expenses.

I had to stop myself from crying but everything reminds me of us and how I am so much willing to make it work. I even wrote a reconciliation letter. I’d court you again if I have to and today, I’m so determined on doing it. Mom asked me to sleep beside her tonight. Hopefully, with her by my side, dreams of you would go away.

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Day 8

I was struggling to get through the morning. I had to call people to assure me that I can make it through the day. My heart was breaking. I cannot work. Then at lunch, my colleague accompanied me and I had to pretend I had a heavy breakfast because I don’t have the appetite to eat.

I wanted to drink so badly. But everyone was busy and there’s this storm which makes hanging out with people impossible. I ended up going home and watch myself as I cry on my bed. My mom was worried. My rashes multiplied and I can’t help myself. I don’t want to help myself. I was unconsciously praying that I get hit when I’m crossing the street or I die of a heart attack or whatever that can help me end this pain. It’s just too painful.

Day 7

I tried my best to be busy even on a Sunday but still ended up crying in my bed. I was hopeless. My rashes are no where near healing. It’s actually worse than before. I had to call someone or I might just faint.

I called my best friend. He was the one who was able to calm me.

“Di ka magbibirthday ng di maayos to. Umiyak ka kapag ako sumuko.” His words are comforting telling me he’ll help me make this work.

Then I received a bible verse from another friend telling me how God helps heal broken hearts.

These assurances help me make it through the day. Thank God for friends.

Day 6

I didn’t know how I managed to get through this fucking day. I left the house at 5am, still wasted, hangover without anything on my stomach. I was afraid of going to school because I know I have to face him. As I struggled to commute, I felt like my heart was going to explode. I can’t breathe and everything was fading. I was praying that whatever happens to me, I just hope its in front of our school so that someone can pick me up and help me. I tried to catch my breathing. I exited the train practically blind. It was only when I managed to go inside yhe lobby that I was able to breathe again. But when I got inside the room, I saw him and I knew I wouldn’t make it.

My friend who was fortunately my classmate managed to calm me. I was crying in between class and my thalassemia was getting the best of me. I can’t breathe again, I can’t move. I felt so bad for my friend. I can’t give her the burden to assist me when I collapse. But I knew the world was dimming and I can’t see a thing.

But God helped me. I made it. I made it through that 4 hours gasping for breath. I need to take a cab just to get to my other destination. I was literally a vegetable when I hopped inside the car. Good thing, my best friend picked me up and accompanied me through the entire afternoon.

Day 5

I was a total wreck on the 5th day. My two girlfriends visited me in Makati and spent the night with me drinking. I chose not to go to school because I know I’m not yet ready to see him.

Arrived home at around 230am with my friend by my side. I was so wasted I can’t even go home on my own.

Day 4

My first real meal of the week. 2 buffalo wings just because I needed to drink. Arrived home at around 12:30am. Who cares anyway? Actually tried a different route, the scary route. It was a bit exhilarating waiting for a jeepney alone in a dark street.

My rashes are getting worse and I can’t stop scratching. My boss says might be because of stress (lol and not eating) but good thing I was so busy at work it can mask the emotional stress inside me.

Day 3

It’s amazing how busy work is that I don’t have to worry about any alone time. I barely have time to settle on my desk, let alone think of anything else so I think it’s a blessing in disguise.

What’s more amazing is how I managed to survive Sunday, Monday, Tuesday and now Wednesday with just water and coffee. I’m not starving myself because I don’t feel hungry at all but not eating helps me cope up. I don’t know how but it just do.

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