Big Bear Drive

It was Monday and we were supposed to meet at 8 and I honestly didn’t have the courage to text him good morning and remind him even though I was the type to really be strict with time meetups and all. There were really no expectations. I mean it’s not like we’re friends or anything. We met because he lives around the block and we have the same ethnicity, something common I guess but in my head, I will just do my usual morning jog, and if he texts and confirms, well that’s nice, if not, then that’s okay too.

As I circle down the block, I could feel my body starting to warm up. It was around 14 degrees but the heat of the sun and a few kilometers of walking helped. It was already 7:46, I checked my phone, and saw that he had texted.

“I’m sorry, I woke up late than planned, are you still cool to meet up?”

It wasn’t 8 yet so, yeah sure.

“How long do you need?” I asked.

“I’m already preparing now. I’ll be there in a few minutes.”

And so the date is still on.

I went another lap around the village and headed straight to the meetup place which was just around the corner. There was some Mexicans smoking pot in front of Jack in the box. I went past them and the only open store was 7-eleven. I texted him,

“Bilisan mo”

I suddenly felt afraid, being alone in a foreign land but in just a few seconds, a white Mitsubishi Lancer pulled over, and there he was, looking like he was in the middle of summer with his shirt and jersey shorts while I was freezing with my long sleeves on and a windbreaker.

“Breakfast or drive?” he asked.

“Drive.” I smiled and he opened the driver’s side.

It was funny that he started scrambling and tossing all the stuff on the passenger seat to the back. At least, I know he hasn’t had any passengers lately, let alone a girl he usually drives around. A good thing perhaps?

My eyes were sharp, the observer in me I guess. His iPhone charger was there, a jacket, and a few boxes. I also noticed the seat covers that may need a little washing but it wasn’t so bad though. I have to stop being too critical. As I fastened my seatbelt, all my senses came into play.

I could smell him, the scent of soap and a hint of mouthwash like I knew he was in a rush to get here. I was also freezing, not from the temperature but from the anxiety of being with someone for the first time in a foreign country. But there was something inside me that felt so comfortable.

“Don’t kidnap me,” Is all I could say.

He handed me his ID and laughed, “you can have all the details you want. For all I know, you may have me followed already.”

I can tell we were both nervous but we went anyways. I had a curfew, I had to be home by 10 in the morning and I can see him thinking of a good place to take me. We started driving around, passing by lights, the freeway, and then straight up a neighborhood with an amazing view of the California skyline in the morning. It was magnificent! The wind was cold, the music was nice and everything felt perfect. I felt- at home.

I was smiling the entire ride and even though it was a short while, I was content. We parked at the jump-off point of Etiwanda Preserve and just stared into the vastness of the State. It was simple, yet surreal. We didn’t have enough time to hike so we both agreed to return some other time, that is if I find a time from my busy schedule.

He let me drive back and boy was I so giddy. Hell, do I care if I looked like a kid? It was freedom! He would let me choose roads to take with the assurance that he will lead me back.

“Souvenir.” He said when we pulled over, handing me a casino chip, sitting on his cup holder near the gear, as a memento. I raised an eyebrow.

“Whaat?” He asked,

I kept quiet and held it tight. I was thinking about whether to tease him if this is how he gets girls but I just zipped my mouth. I don’t really care. This moment is mine alone, regardless if this is his thing or not, it doesn’t really affect me.

When we arrived back home, I wanted more but I know that the ball was in my court to decide.

I asked for a hug and this was a surprise for me too. I have never warmed up to anyone this fast EVER. But with him, it just felt right. It was nothing romantic, nothing fancy, just a grateful hug but it was one of the best hugs I have had for so long.

As I walk back to the house, I never wanted this to end but I was too coward to even ask so I just sent him a thank you message and be grateful for the short but sweet experience.

“I want to see you again,” he said, “What’s your full week itinerary?”

And I want to, so badly.

And I gave in. I made time. I had plans the next day but the morning of the day after seems free. In just a few hours, I was able to fix my schedule and allot the entire morning of Wednesday for him.

I was excited to see him and Tuesday went by so quickly. By Wednesday morning, at around 7, he was there shooting hoops in the village’s court.

“You live here?” I teased knowing it was a gated community and he’s from a few blocks away.

“The gate’s open and you live here.” He shrugged and threw another ball.

He greeted me with a friendly hug and we both went inside the car.

“So what’s the curfew this time?” He asked,

“12 noon, I have to be home,” I said.

“Okay Cinderella, let’s go.” And so we did.

We went back to Etiwanda and finally did the hike. It was a foggy morning which I don’t really mind except for the fact that my jacket doesn’t have pockets so I had to tuck my freezing fingers in my pits to warm them up. Everything was beautiful despite the gloomy and foggy weather. The bushes looked man-made like the ones I’ve seen in the movies. There was a gazebo a few meters away from the jump-off point. We were all set to see the waterfalls but as we got higher, it started drizzling, and at this point, I couldn’t afford to get sick for I’m going back home this Friday.

“I think it’s going to rain.” I kept looking around.

“It doesn’t really rain that much here. It’s just gonna be foggy.” He was sure of it.

“You know, I’m usually right,” I said with conviction.

He laughed. I know he knows what he’s saying considering he’s the local here but my intuition is quite accurate and I’ve never really been wrong with these things but then again, there’s always a first time right?

I fought it through, I really wanted to complete the hike but as we went higher, my hair was getting wet and it started pouring, with every pant I take, there was fog.

“We have to go back.” I finally said.

He was sad and I was too. We were almost there, just a little bit more but that’s it. The hike down was faster and we both wanted more.

“Let’s go to Big Bear.” He said looking at his watch as he started the engine.

It was teamwork, he handed me his phone and let me run through the navigation. The trip takes about an hour, if we drive fast, we might just actually make it in time for my curfew.

“I’ll make that 45.” and the engine roared.

“Just don’t kill me.” I was serious.

He laughed, “I’ve never driven this carefully my entire life.”

We took the freeway, passed by his workplace, and exchanged stories. It was actually a pretty decent ride until we started up the winding road of City Creek, past Running Springs and then that’s when everything went magical. Words weren’t enough to describe how beautiful the drive was. I felt like I was in a movie.

This day couldn’t get any better so I thought but Lakeview was ready to show off.

We were in heaven for being literally on top of the clouds. Imagine your usual airplane view but only this time, you could actually touch the clouds. It was literally the best day ever.

That moment was pure bliss and that’s all I could say. We stayed there for a good 5 minutes then continued the trip to Big Bear. We circled down the lake which was absolutely gorgeous. The mountain ranges with bits of snow on top and the lake reflecting the clear blue sky, the trees, the roads, EVERYTHING! We were just cruising and simmering everything nature has to offer and I have never felt sated in my entire life.

I was on cloud nine by the time the morning ended and I hated that this has to end. Now for sure, this is the last time we will be seeing each other and so for the last time, that one final hug. We started saying our goodbyes It was bittersweet, we knew both that this thing was once in a lifetime opportunity.

My heart sank as I watch him drive away. That night, I was tossing and turning thinking about all that I’d seen and experienced. Never in a million years had I ever thought to meet someone who is so much like me in all aspects let alone meet them in another country, continents away.

If I am to be asked what joy means, this is it. Fleeting yet magical.

Thursday was my final day before flying back home the next day and I can’t stop thinking about how grateful I was and so I sent him a text.

“Let me buy you dinner, the least I could do for everything that you’ve done for me.”

And he said yes. Talk about me being gutsy.

He picked me up that night and this time around, we were both dressed more decently than usual. He was wearing a black pullover, faded jeans, and sneakers. Jordan perhaps? Not sure. While my usual cold self is dressed in layers with my tanktop inside, a white long sleeves, and my leather beige jacket, jeans, and Doc Martens.

“Curfew?” he asked again.

“Ten.” I said.

“Got it.”

He smelled nice, that’s for sure. His perfume, I’m not sure what is it. We went to this pasta place and the night just went by. We exchanged stories. With him, there were no pretenses. I can just be me. If I was prospecting him, I would’ve judged him but whatever we have was pure, innocent, and friendship. After dinner, we drove back to Etiwanda and this time, witness the evening skyline of California.

This was when we started being more vulnerable with our stories telling all about our pains, our weaknesses, and our dreams. Maybe it’s the pasta, maybe it’s the night sky and the spring breeze or maybe it’s the goodbye that stripped us of vulnerability.

The conversations were deep, fluid, and honest, yet there was no future, not for the both of us together at least and I think that’s okay. We were living in the moment. Of whatever we have NOW.

We hugged inside the car. How long I forgot but we just sat there, hugging each other. It was already ten but we couldn’t let go but we had to.

My heart was grieving even before we arrived back home. We sat inside the car, staring at the gate, hating this moment. Before I went down, he asked,

“Can I hug you for the last time?”

I threw myself at him. I could feel how genuine everything is. He hugged me tighter. Is it too much to think that he doesn’t want to let me go?

It was never going to work out anyway. The foundation albeit magical was never enough to continue this to something more than what it is. We needed more time, to know each other to figure out what we want in life.

And that was it. The next day, I flew back home. If we’re ever to see each other again, I don’t know. I hope so.

I’m married to Speed Boost

I don’t know if it’s just me, but I feel extremely overwhelmed with a lot of things and I’m also being eaten alive by the so-called imposter syndrome.

I’m in charge of upgrades- so basically, I need to upgrade customers but how could I upgrade customers when there’s an excessive speed boost going on. Naturally, subscribers won’t upgrade anymore because they’re contented with their speeds.

And now they’re asking me to be the one to contact all customers to deliver the good news. The oxymoron of my KPI and the task being handed to me.

I hate it. To top it off, one co-worker just randomly decided to call me in my full name, and when I asked why because he just felt like it. SO RUDE. I hate it too.

And here I am, typing away my frustration, feeling nauseated with everything that’s going on. I haven’t done anything real productive this morning and this afternoon, I have to meet with my staff and put on that boss/ mentor hat and guide her through her very first marketing pitch deck.

I fucking have to get my shit together.

Partly Giving Up

I’ve been such a negative person lately to the point where every little mistake would really put me down the dumps including the actions of my boyfriend.

I used to ignore all his shortcomings but as time goes by, those shortcomings became more and more evident in my eyes to the point where well… fast forward, I just had enough I guess.

We both quit our jobs second quarter of 2017. He was a month ahead and we both ended  jobless as we entered graduate school. In my case, I was prepared. I’ve planned for it ever since I graduated and so I had savings. But for him, he wasn’t. If it weren’t because of me, he wouldn’t pursue masters and so I felt like the drive isn’t really there. But I let it pass. Yet since we’re both jobless and spending doesn’t stop, we have to make make ends meet. I was able to survive for a while because I was prepared but he wasn’t and later on, I found myself trying to provide for the both of us with the so little in my pocket. It wasn’t an issue for me but money is running out and we both don’t have jobs. I was so depressed that time and so was he. I needed someone to hold onto but whenever I try to hold onto him, he wasn’t stable enough because he was broken as well. I couldn’t help him and it added more weigh over my depression. His mere attempts of trying to help me was to not tell me his problems yet I can feel how toxic he was for me. His actions speak louder than his words. Not that he was physically hurting me but the way he despises his existence, how negative he reacts to certain situations and how deleterious he is over every roadblocks that challenges our day to day lives.

He was suicidal. Suicidal in a way that does not attempt suicide but wishes he’d die. He would unconsciously curse himself and his life and just say, “I wish I’ll never wake up.” This has been going on ever since we started dating and became more and more evident as the year goes by. I usually tried to take him away from the idea or maybe shed some light that he is an important person, specially to me but at that specific moment where I was on my all time low, I couldn’t tell him that because I, myself was silently wishing someone can stab me while I’m asleep so I wouldn’t have to wake up the next day and deal with all the bullshit that’s going on. I needed someone to tell me everything is gonna be okay. And that time, it wasn’t boyfriend. I was struggling and somehow, for the both of us, I was forced to be the stronger person not realizing that as I try to pretend I am fixed, I am strong, I drag myself more down the dumps.

I turned to God for guidance. He was my only hope. I started trusting him. And soon enough, I was slowly getting back, pushing myself to move forward, telling myself that no one is gonna fix me but me. It was a slow, painful journey. I have to admit that I was wrong. That things are not going to go as I have planned. It took me more than six months to get outside my room and try to breathe again. Gradschool was a facade. An escape, a camp, a rehab. In my head, back in school, no one is going to judge me. If I make a mistake, the teacher can teach me and no one will be affected because I paid for my tuition. I paid to learn.

And so I started healing. But in order for me to fully heal, I need to detoxify. I need to get rid of all the negativeness in my life and absorb all the positiveness. And that includes toxic people. But I couldn’t let go of my boyfriend. I mean, he is my boyfriend and what kind of a girlfriend I am if I am to leave him because of this.

I tried to pull him up as I try to fix myself. But he won’t budge. Six months later, I found a job again. Because if another month comes and I am jobless, I am done. I am literally cashless. And I can’t hide at home forever. I need to fix myself. To go back out there.

 

I struggled but I tried hard. Harder than before. Harder than I’ve ever tried. And I became patient. Soon, I was able to find a job and so I started earning again. Going back to the corporate world isn’t easy. The anxiety is eating me every single day and as I wake up every morning, my depression is slowly creeping back, trying to consume me again, telling me at the back of my head that things are going to happen again and I am not worth it.

I sought guidance from the Lord. I have to trust in Him but I also have to figure out things on my own. I have to make a way to get rid of the demons inside my head. Everyday that I speak with my boyfriend, I can hear all kinds of negative things from his mistakes, to his petty reasons, to things that would force me to make decisions for the both of us. He was so dependent on me. I have to get rid of weight because if I don’t, it’s gonna pull be back down. I tried to communicate with him but he was never really communicating.

He asked me what he can do help me. I told him to help himself first because no one can help him but his own and with that, he’ll be able to greatly help me. I know that’s the best solution. Because he have to love himself first. He have to take care of himself in order for him to fully be able to take care of me. But as we try to move forward, I couldn’t see that effort. Instead, he would play video games all day and hate himself at night for not being productive. He would curse every little thing when it doesn’t go his way.

It was really toxic. I couldn’t hear one more of the complaints, the curses, the negativity. Because as a girlfriend, I had this unspoken responsibility to make everything okay for him. Because I need to be the light over the darkness that he’s currently walking at.

But I’m still at the dark too. Who will be light?

So I have to be the light of my own.

Unconsciously, I was pointing out things, correcting him and he was pissed off. So pissed off that he said I wasn’t really interesting to talk to anymore. And I admit it. Because if all I see are mistakes, or the wrong things, then I am just going to lit up a fire that would burn our relationship. I apologized and decided to stopped talking. He stopped talking as well.

Three weeks later, we weren’t talking anymore. And in a way, it wasn’t stressful for me. Yes I do miss him but it’s like I was able to experience a whole new kind of world. A world with a possibility that there can be light somewhere out there. It’s clearer, it’s less heavier and in a way, it’s refreshing. I don’t need to hear his rants, his comments, his curses his toxic attitude. I don’t need to rummage my brain for a way to make his misery lighter or end. I don’t need to find a way to solve his problems. I can focus on mine. And not talking to him felt like it’s actually a good thing.

I don’t know where this will lead us but I know I’m not giving up. Maybe I just needed a break. Maybe I just need him to realize that he has to work on his own.

I really don’t know how this will end. So, God guide us.

I Probably Should Seek Help Before It’s too Late…

Tbh, I don’t know what’s going on with me. I feel like I’m at my all-time low but I cant even distinguish or tell everyone why. There’s this swelling of darkness inside me that I feel like eats me up everyday.

I don’t know what panic attacks are and how it happens but there are certain situations where I’ve been feeling strange sensations inside me. Like I feel I cannot breathe and there’s a lump inside my throat and I can feel my heart pounding loud and fast. Things around me becomes blurry and I’m usually lost for words. Is this an example of panic attack?

There are also some times when I would just shake and tremble from head to toe and literally freeze like it’s below 10 degrees and that sensation would last for around 10-30 minutes. Apart from all of these, ever since I was a kid, I’ve been hearing strange voices and shouts inside my head and it never went away.

Now, to make things worse, I feel so worthless. Probably because of what happened to me lately but there are several nights where I just find myself crying to sleep and wishing that someone would just stab me while I’m asleep so I wouldn’t wake up. Is this what you call depression? I don’t want to call it that way because I do know that depression is a very serious matter and must not be treated like when a person is depressed, definitely that’s depression instantly. But one thing I do know, I am really really super super miserable. I haven’t been able to sleep well for months now. I would stay awake in the dark up to 4 in the morning doing nothing or probably staring in the pitch black room around me. Sometimes what I would do is take 2 tablets of antihistamine just because I think it has a sedating effect. I know that’s wrong so the next way I did was drink wine every night or any kind of alcohol. Sometimes it helps, sometimes it doesn’t. whenever I wait for sleep to come, I would just cry and cry like how I am crying now. Seriously, I really feel like I’m a worthless piece of shit. I don’t have a job and I feel like no one’s gonna accept me after what happened. I did try to apply but all applications failed or I felt like I was judged. I was afraid to face people. I was afraid to present myself to people and just prefer to hide inside my room forever. I wish I could talk to these things to my friends but I know they would eventually get tired of this reasonless drama. On some random days, I would wake up with a splitting headache and always thought of taking at least 5 tablets just because it might probably kill me and the thought of that somewhat makes me feel like the misery would be over. But I was also afraid. So what I would do is take at least 2-3 tablets so that’s like 1500mg every intake. I was hoping at the back of my head that it would do something to me but it didn’t. so I guess my tolerance of meds are pretty high.

I used to hit myself and bite myself whenever I cry or sad. There was a long wood inside my room that I would use to hit my legs but during those days when I am sane enough, I would ask someone to hide it for me so I wouldn’t be able to use it when my insanity attacks. I do have problems with my tummy and I’ve been having very sensitive stomach lately. I was considering of drinking tap water or contaminated water elsewhere to trigger those amoebas inside my tummy. I did try to drink tap water which used to get me sick but I guess that tap water that I took was pretty clean and it did not have an effect on me. I was wondering where I can find a contaminated water one of these days. Things are not going well for me but I think I am able to portray a very decent and okay image because no one knows that these things are going inside my head on a day to day basis. I am currently taking up my masters degree right now because I thought this is one of the best ways to gain my back my lost self confidence. But the pressure and amount of papers and works to be done are burying me alive and the frustrations with the people I work with for those projects makes me more anxious and frustrated. Especially my boyfriend. I thought I could rely on him but it turns out he can’t do his job right or at least if he does, it would take him longer which would eventually result for me doing almost all of the job. I was hoping I could use him as my stronghold in this time of difficulty but he was toxic and started saying things to me because of my attitude. I did try to tell him that I wasn’t really doing well hoping to God that he would understand but instead, it even resulted to us really not talking at all. So this emotional toll even dug a deeper wound in my bleeding and in comatose self. Even more I felt so worthless. His treatment towards me made me feel like all my efforts in the past are wasted and it made me question myself even more.

I am not a good employee, I am not good with myself, I am not a good sister, I am not a good daughter and now, I am not a good girlfriend. Nothing felt right and I would wish that this would end. There are times when I am crossing the street that I just want to jump right in front a speeding car but then again I would think about the person who’s gonna get involved. If I am going to commit suicide, it has to be clean, no one should be involved and no one should get hurt. Besides, if I die, everything is already settled. My siblings would get money from my insurance (I just hope that suicide is covered in the policy) and my burial plan with St. Peter, the one I’m paying monthly is already settled so I guess no one would be spending anything? Isn’t this weird for someone who has ideas on killing herself?

I guess this isn’t that serious because I am able to kid around and laugh at the matter. The thought is funny but I am crying. Might I be crazy? I did consider going to the Psychology department of our university for counselling but I was afraid that they won’t take me seriously. Like hello? A 24 year old girl who seems to be doing okay with life needs counselling? But I guess I just need someone to hear me out and never get tired of listening to me because right now, it’s just me, my teddy bears and my dogs. Maybe it’s a good thing that I have dogs right? I don’t know if there’s anyone out there who feels like they are literally drowning and is aware how to float and has been trying to swim up but something is pulling them down. And then whenever this feeling arises, you’d just end up crying? Or perhaps I’m just an overly emotional person. They say I’m an overthinker. I tried to talk these feelings to my mom. I told her I feel so worthless and feel like no one out there would take me back and she just dismissed the idea and told me, I shouldn’t feel that way. It really didn’t help a lot especially with the snort and shrugging sound.

When people tells you it’s okay but it’s not. It’s fucking really not. And what’s worse is you don’t know why and there’s this dark feelings inside you that causes you to feel this way. I actually think sometimes I’m pretty good with imagination and convincing myself that something happened even though it really did not. I don’t know if that’s a talent or something bad but sometimes, that happens. I actually forgot specific situations when that happen. – LOL I can’t barely remember if that event was true or not because I’m really pretty good with creating false events in my head and really actually making them true to my head. Can someone out there tell me how to stop this? Please don’t get mad at me though. I cannot afford another person out there to get mad at me. I’ve had enough of people being mad at me.

Seriously I don’t know what specifically is wrong with me but I do know something is not right and I might know how to make things right but I’ve been trying and my emotions are just too powerful for my brains.

The Best Thing That Has Ever Happened

Jay’s business was on the edge. I was looking at him from afar when one of his employees approached him.

“What’s wrong?” He asked.

Marie has that look on her face. Like I knew what’s going to happen next.

“Jay, I’m leaving.” She said.

I saw the shock, disappointment and dismay on his face and then suddenly it shifted to fear. I didn’t know there were tears streaming down my eyes at that point. I felt like I can feel how hurt he was.

“No, you can’t. Please.” He begged. “You have to stay, we can still do this.”

“I’m sorry Jay.” She said and with that, she handed him her resignation letter.

I think Jay saw me looking at them from where I was standing as I try to wipe down the unexpected tears in my eyes. I used to work for him and I loved working for him. I love the people, I love the company and I love him. He was the kind of person with so much kindness that all you will ever have is respect and love. But I left too. Not because I don’t like being there but there was so much pressure and I needed to go back to school to study.

I tried to hide in a place where he can’t see me but I can still see the entire thing. It turned out when I looked around that Marie was the only employee there. As soon as she went out the room, Milla, his fiancée walked in with another look of disappointment in her face. Jay faced her waiting for the bad news to break.

“They can’t produce any more goods for us.” She broke in.

Milla was holding a can where I remember used to be the logo of the company. Suddenly it came to me. What the hell, even that company where the logo was derived from can’t even sell for Jay? What’s going on? What happened? Why has everything suddenly ridden downhill. The last time I remember, things were going great. It was just unbelievable and I know how much this is so frustrating for them. I can’t handle what was going on anymore and I love him too much to watch him hurt so I went on my way.

There was still one thing he doesn’t know I was doing. I was funding two of his smallest franchises. One is the food related and the other one was the retail store for gadgets. I guess you could say that I was the ghost investor. I was determined to keep it going. It’s the least I can do for him after he helped me with my MBA.

Everyday for the past month, I was checking up on the store, silently keeping tabs with the sales and hoping that It’ll be significant enough to help Jay. Not that I know he was struggling. I just wanted to lend a hand and besides, he doesn’t need to know who I am. I just want to simply help him. That’s all. Although for me to monitor the improvement, I have to be in touch with the manager who I asked to help me keep my identity as a secret. She would tell me when Jay is not around so that I can come visit and know what’s going on.

Unfortunately, there was one time that I think Jay stayed too long and I wasn’t able to read Karla’s message that he was still there and so we crossed paths again. I didn’t know what to say. I don’t want him to see me. Being invisible was enough. As I stared at him, he still has that same glorious kindness exuding out of him. I can’t remember the last time I felt so happy as we both crossed paths. But I know it was inappropriate so I just asked him how he was as nonchalantly as I could then bid my goodbye. I think he followed with his gaze where I was heading but instead of going straight to the store, I rerouted and went to the market instead. I must keep my distance. It’s not like I’m a stalker or anything. I owe him and that’s that. It just so happened that I came across him that day so I was able to witness Marie’s resignation.

A month after, I was back again to my usual rounds when I received a call from Simon, the manager of the food franchise I was investing in, that sales were really hiking up and he wants me to go to the store asap. I was both so excited for him and for me. Maybe this will be the break Jay needed to really get back out there. This maybe a proof that I am really an effective Marketer. I rushed to the store only to see that Jay was across the street and he caught me running towards his store. I felt like he knew what I was up to so he was beating me to my destination. I tried to change my route again or pretend like I was running towards a different place. I stopped in front of the retail branch where Karla was at on the other street. I pretended like I just needed to buy something but to no avail, still saw me and started approaching me. To validate his assumptions even more, Leo, one of the staffs of Simon who doesn’t know my identity should be kept a secret started calling out to me across the street.

“Ms. Aleiah, Ms. Aleiah, target’s been doubled! You have to see!” Leo shouted frantic and excited that he saw me.

I didn’t know if I should approach him or not but my cover was blown so I guess I just have to own it. He stared at me as soon as we were almost facing each other. I can tell there were questions inside his head from the look on his face

“Aleiah, it was you?” He asked as he walk towards me still panting.

I couldn’t speak. I didn’t know what to say. I bet he knew someone was visiting his store. Well I know he knows but I’m guessing he thought it was some other investor. I just smiled.

“All these time?” He asked again. “But why?”

I just shrugged and turned my attention towards Leo as I reached the other store. I entered the shop and he showed me the monitor where all sales really did shoot up and the things we need to invest more in order to sustain the momentum of the marketing campaign I introduced five months ago.

I knew Jay was waiting for an answer so I turned to him again. He was just there, looking at me flabbergasted.

“I’m sorry Jay.” I was able to find my voice to speak. “I’m sorry for not telling you.”

“But why?” He asked.

I remember those two words, but why. I kept on asking him that, three years ago when he offered to help me with my MBA without anything in return. But why Jay? What’s in it for you? Why? I remember how he told me to just consider that helping people like me reach our goals and our full potential. He said it was his vocation on his own little way.

“Just consider this as my way of saying thank you.” I smiled sheepishly reiterating his words when I kept on asking him But Why. “You weren’t supposed to find out.”

He was about to speak when his phone rang. I think it was Milla. I love Milla. She is the epitome of beauty. When I had my interview before, I liked her more than Jay. She was sweet, and pretty and really friendly. She made me feel comfortable. I had so much respect for her. Jay moved away from earshot as he received the call. When he came back, there was another look of sadness in his face. I don’t know if I should ask what’s wrong. I don’t think I’m in the position to. All of a sudden, the dark clouds this afternoon started breaking and rained started pouring. It rained so hard and so sudden that everyone standing outside the store are getting wet. We ran for cover. Some of the staffs tried to take out the roofing for the rain and when they were able to secure it, they were all drenched and dripping wet.

“Come everyone.” He started. “It’s almost closing time anyway. Let’s close early and everyone head straight to my place.”

I looked at him and remembered that his condo was just a block away.

“There’s hot noodles there and some towels to dry yourselves up.”

Everyone nodded and followed.

“You too Aleiah.” He ordered seeing how I was shivering with the sudden downpour.

We all headed straight to his flat. It was on the 32^nd floor of a very luxurious apartment. I think he was living with Milla so I kept on asking myself if is it okay to just go there with 6 people with us? But I was freezing and we were all wet. When we reached his floor, he opened the door for us and made us really comfortable offering two towels each. I wasn’t that wet so one towel was enough. I handed the other to the other staffs who were taking turns in using the bathroom to dry themselves. I sat near the kitchen where he was looking for something else to offer us.

“Is Milla around?” I manage to ask as he opened one of the cupboards with so much Jiampong inside. If I remember correctly, Jjamppong was Milla’s favorite.

He didn’t answer.

He opened another cupboard again and more Jjamppong fell out. Wow. Milla must be a hoarder to have like 20 noodles inside.

I noticed him sitting down and dropping his head. Something was wrong. I can feel it.

“Jay, are you alright?” I asked again.

He started sobbing and then turned to crying. I have never seen this image of Jay before. I always thought he was so confident and so perfect that crying was never in the picture or plainly being sad. He always knows what to do in different kinds of situation. When we presented the business review of our team years ago and there was a problem with one of the areas where we thought was already hopeless, he knew what to say and what to do. What’s happening to him?

“She left.”

With that, I know I shouldn’t be asking for more. Milla left Jay. They broke up. And that phone call a while ago was the confirmation of everything else. I looked around afraid that the other staff might see him so I shifted position to cover him while he vent out his emotions. Thank goodness everyone was busy talking to each other and trying their best to be dry so they can all go home to their families.

“Jay…” Is all I have to say.

He grabbed my arm and then looked at me. His eyes were blood red and I don’t know what to do. I wanted to hug him. Like before, three years ago before I was about to leave the company but I know I can’t so I just asked hugged our HR who confirmed the news that Jay was really paying the tuition for my first 2 terms and asked her to hug him for me instead. I knew back then it was awkward but Jenny was a good friend of Jay so I guess it was okay. But today was very different. I just want to make him feel like everything’s going to be alright. That I’ll be here. I didn’t budge and most certainly I didn’t hug him. He just grasped on my arm and I can feel the blood suspended but who cares. If this is the way I can make him feel better, then why not?

He tried to breathe in hard and retrieve his composure. When he was able to dry his eyes, he sat straight and faced him.

“I’m sorry for this Aleiah.” He said, voice hoarse from crying.

I gave him a reassuring smile. Then without me asking, he started explaining everything that’s going on. I don’t need to hear this. I don’t need to hear his management issues and his personal issues but I wanted him to feel better so sitting here silently and listening to him might just be the best way to make him feel so. He just filled me in with what happened when I was gone up to that moment when Marie left. He explained that Marie was the last employee and he was holding on to her until they revive back. But she too cannot handle the pressure anymore specially that everyone already left. I can’t even believe my direct manager before Isabel left Jay as well. But I can’t blame her. Her kids are growing and with a company tipping down a ravine, leaving is probably the best way. Things didn’t go well for this past few years. They weren’t able to catch up with the industry and the trend. Inflation was bad and the digital age was too vulnerable with the country’s market. He wasn’t able to sustain all these changes and even a degree from Harvard is not enough to keep him steady. He needed more help but people started leaving and he was too kind to believe and tell himself that it was the best for his people. Milla on the other hand has to keep surviving as well. Even before being with Jay, I knew she has a career on her own. I just don’t want to ask more personal stuff but Milla must have had her reason. I know her and I respected her. Despite our close age gap, she was my idol. I always wanted to be like her as soon as I get to know her. She was just so perfect so I know there must be something bigger than this that caused her to leave Jay.

Then it hit me that my former boss, is now alone and I can’t bear that. I love him. I love him too much to leave him when the world was failing him. I know he have friends out there. Well, I knew he wasn’t literally alone with all his connections but something’s telling me I can probably help. I may not be a very successful person but I think, somehow I can help. I was able to sustain two of his franchises. He did also mention that the two remaining stores was his last hope of getting out of debt. He was planning to sell it and free himself from all the credits he was buried in. But I think there’s a better way to that.

“I think I can help you.” I said. “I have an idea. It might not be as great as you have but I hope you find time to check it out.”

I saw his face brighten up. And so he agreed. For the next few months. We were having meetings on how we can revive the company. I did tell him I know a certain digital company who is looking for another company with a stable database and loyal customers that they can partner with. I gathered all my friends I know from the industry and some people who we know were very loyal to Jay. After my day job, we kept on seeing one another and working on the ideas and partnerships that we agreed on. In 8 months of preparation, we were finally ready to close the deal with the ShopIt Digital but with one condition, prove them that DBS Ltd. is still alive and can still attract the market and they will even fund the digital campaigns we were proposing. It wasn’t so hard of course for a Harvard MBA graduate to think of something. We decided to rebrand the company and reintroduce it to our database.

Presentation day, it was just me, Jay and our friend who was in charge with all the creative content to face the final verdict. A yes or a no. We showed all what we did for the past 8 months and ended it with a teaser video. Of course, we all know it won’t be easy so when the board of ShopIt Digital asked us for some missing parts, there was a team of five behind our ears listening to everything and putting it into visuals right there and there so by the time were done defending and answering their questions, a new video is ready. I have to say, our team back in our office is really quick because what we showed the board impressed them and finally agreed to partner with us. We were so happy. DBS is back. And for the better. We thanked everyone and made our way out. Johnny, our creative content bid his goodbye as he still has to go pick up his kid. Jay and I were left outside the building with our giddy faces. We were just so happy. I was practically shouting and jumping with the success and he was as well. All of a sudden, he hugged me and kissed me.

I was dumbstruck. The hug, I’ve been looking forward to it but just a friendly hug. BUT THIS? I stood frozen in front of him not able to breathe. He looked at me with so much joy that I forgot how hurt he was months ago. There’s another part of Jay I saw that I never knew also existed. That Jay who’s just being a kid and happy. I never knew he could display so much joy and sadness in this lifetime. I didn’t know he has these emotions at all! Well, not in a bad way but in a good way. He always acted so smooth and professional. If he was happy, he smiled. If he was sad, you wouldn’t be able to tell it. If he was satisfied, he will commend you. But this? Sad? He cries? Happy? He was literally jumping in front of me like we were college students who just survived a notorious panel after pulling several all-nighters for a thesis. He must’ve noticed the distress on my face and the look of shock so he pulled himself out of me and straightened his polo.

“I’m sorry.” He doesn’t look sorry at all. “I’m just glad that it was with you I’m doing all of this.”

And with a snap, I melted. I felt the butterflies everywhere. I felt like I was weak in the knees and that I will just give in. I’ve been telling myself I loved him. I love him. But I never told myself it can be possible to just stand here in front of him, receiving his hug, receiving his touch. I just couldn’t think it could be possible. From what I know, I’ll just be the girl, forever indebted to a guy who used to be my boss and that’s that.

What happened next was hazy. I can’t remember how he said it but I found myself saying yes. Saying yes to going out together. Saying yes to being with him. It was a long conversation but only a few parts retained to me. That I told him he still has to completely move on and not rush into anything and him telling me, we will take it slow but he wants to spend more time with me. I know how much he loved Milla. I know how great their love was. I’ve seen it. They’re match made in heaven and I could never compete with that. But the thought of being with him, and Jay in the flesh asking to really go out with him was something beyond my imagination. It was something I can never comprehend but then again, it was a silent prayer at the back of my head. I knew this was not cheating. Jay and Milla are no longer together. With that, I hugged him! After four years!

And so, we were officially a couple. I can’t believe it. I was in the clouds. Being with Jay is more than a dream come true. It’s the best thing that had ever happened to me. Of course, I made sure he never found out that I liked him even before. I think that’s something I have to keep to myself. We went out every now and then. We were able to know more things about each other. I was able to meet some of his friends, and he was able to meet mine. One of the perks of dating a CEO (who by the way is only 6 years older than me) is his awesome car so every time we come to parties with my friends, we always show up in his BMW or Benz. I told him we can use my old rusty Vios but of course, being a gentleman that he was, he always insists of driving me or picking me up.

I have always liked drinking socially. Not to the extent of being drunk but just a few glasses that can make me feel a little tipsy and sleepy. At times, when he was busy at work and he can’t come, he always makes sure to pick me up even at 3 in the morning. It’s something I was so proud and grateful. There was a time that it was past 3 in the morning and I texted him that I was almost through, I saw him outside talking to one of my friends. He was even there before I was done and he was just waiting patiently before I tell him I’m ready to be picked it up. He doesn’t seem bored or anything. He had a glass for himself and from what seems to be a beer and was casually talking to one of my friends and some people outside. I approached him and hugged him. He kissed me on the cheek.

“Ready to go home?” He asked.

“Why are you talking to Miggy?” I said.

“He just saw me pullover a while ago. I just arrived and offered me a drink.” He answered.

“Who are those other people you’re talking to?” I asked again feeling my knees shaking.

He caught me up and assisted me. “That’s Ramon and Dina.” I met them a few years ago during one of the conference.

Ramon and Dina gave me a wave when Jay looked their way. I waved back. I was sleepy and tipsy and I didn’t notice I was clinging too much on him. Some of my friends went out and Jay politely bid them goodbye and drove me home.

DBS’ partnership with the digital company was a success. Jay’s back on his feet and the company is up and running again and this time, better than before. The two shops I’ve invested in weren’t sold and were doing good than ever. Jay was really happy with the strategies I’ve laid down and I felt like I really did something good. I mean hello? A commendation from a Harvard graduate, known in his industry and I genuinely believe it’s not because I’m his girlfriend or anything. We actually decided separate professional and personal life and so we agreed not to work together and we knew it’s for the best so I remained to where I was working. At some days, I would visit and just check up on him. He was back to being the Jay I remember. The professional and business like person that he was but the difference was, this time, he was mine. There were things I guess that would just remain between the two of us. He was very clingy. I think it was his alter-ego but I don’t mind. He was only like that when it’s just us together.  There was a time when he was the last one in the office and I came by to bring him dinner. He was slumped inside the conference room. One thing about him that I also like is his humility. He doesn’t want his own table or his own room. Since he was always in meetings outside, he would just stay inside the conference room when no one is using it. Or at times share a desk with the other staff. I kept on insisting he get his own mini spot but he kept on saying that he doesn’t want his employees to think he’s the supreme or anything similar. The corporate structure was linear. Everyone works for one another and that’s the kind of attitude that made me apply with them in the first place. I sat beside him and opened the take out I ordered. He sighed and smiled and just leaned beside me and gave me a quick kiss. I know he’s tired.

“Do you need help with anything?” I asked.

“Nope, just wrapping this BR.” He said.

I smiled with the thought of the BR. I was only a month old in the company and everyone was afraid of presenting the business review to Jay before and that fear was passed on to me. When the presentation day came, I was frantic and sweating bullets. I thought Jay was scary but it turns out he was not. He was just very specific and just very smart. He knows everything. That 80 slides with graphs and stats, he knows it and he can even compute it mentally. I don’t know how he does it but I swear he has an IQ greater than any person I know. And looking at his Macbook and the printed papers on the desk, I can pretty much tell and it’s like that as well. We wrapped up around 10:30 and after that, he was dead beat. He was really tired and he was practically dragging his feet down the staircase going to the parking. I decided I should drive instead. I assisted him as we walked towards the car. Despite him being tired, he was stealing kisses as we walked together. Well that’s Jay. He was my support system and I was his. Clingy, like a kid at times, but mostly he’s pretty much everything that I’ve dreamed of. And then I woke up.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Record 002- Independence Day

Hi,

Today is the 55th independence day of the Philippines. People online kept on posting things about today’s event while I was just at home binge watching Keeping Up with the Kardashians in the morning and Coffee Prince in the afternoon. There’s nothing significant on this day for me and I know I should really be proud or anything but I’m just a small girl trying to figure out her life and celebrating Independence Day isn’t something significant for me.

In order to gradually detoxicate my life from social media, I deactivated my Facebook for a while. It’s just Instagram and twitter that remained alive. So far, all I see are celebrities and picturesque sceneries online. It’s less toxic than people posting several things online as most of the persons I follow in Instagram are not my real life friends. I told myself I was suppose to work today but I only started working at around 5 in the afternoon. I know it’s procrastination but I really felt down. My boyfriend kept on sending me things online and asking for my opinion and stuff and I really don’t feel like talking or helping him out with anything. I’m really frustrated with myself. He knows what I’m going through but he kept on asking what’s wrong and I had enough explaining to him when he can’t even understand. There was a time I asked him what does he think of me and my problems and he said he thinks I was improving. For someone who doesn’t know the entire story, it’s actually a good thing but the words he chose are the wrong words because none of the events happening in life shows any sign of improvement. I kept messing up at work. I failed to deliver results. I suck at everything. I kept hitting our car, spending too much on stress etc. I was quite hopeful he must’ve seen something to say that but he was like- Uhhh… I don’t know. I just think you’re improving. To make things short, he doesn’t really know what I’m going through. He never understood and his words are hollow. And it made me feel even worse. Today he kept asking what wrong? For heaven’s sake. HE KNOWS WHAT’S WRONG. HE JUST DOESN’T LISTEN.

As I have mentioned yesterday, I hit out car and I need to have it fixed. I’m so sorry to compare but my other guy friend knows what to do. He offered to help me search for the right people and the right place to have it repaired. He was willing to help out whereas my boyfriend was– So, what now? It’s really frustrating. SERIOUSLY!!!! He’s a spoiled little brat who always gets his way around everything and doesn’t give a fuck of what I’m going through. He doesn’t even know how to help me. And I hate it. Anyway, I was able to get estimates on how much I’m supposed to spend on the repair. More or less, it’s gonna be around 5,000 pesos. That’s really too much for me and I don’t have enough money so I think I have to borrow from other people.

Anyway, I was working just a while ago when I saw an email from my dad. I felt really guilty. I wasn’t able to text or call him so he made an effort to send me an email. It’s been quite a while since I was able to talk to him and he was asking about work. A month ago, I flew to where he was working to see him. He completely understands where I’m coming from but I failed to constantly communicate with him as I was really too busy with work. Of course, I responded as soon as I saw the email. I just felt really bad.

Still Miserable,

Mara